001-The Jesus Spud Poem by George Hunter

Just sittin' around wonderin' what to munch
When it again came time to make my lunch.
Looked around, first couldn't find nothin',
Thought to myself, there must be somethin'.
My eyes spied a sack of pomme de terre
That I'd forgotten was even there.
I thought I'd peel some up and mash
Or maybe later make some corned beef hash
.
Peeled a bunch and was almost ready
Took one more look and got unsteady.
There was a lonely spud way down in the bottom
Reached way down and when I'd gottem
It showed up fine in the broad daylight
I couldn't believe my own eyesight.
I stared at it with all my might
Thought I'd never seen such a wonderful sight.
Holy Jeez! it gave me a fright.
Seein' that thing ‘bout made my day,
I'll sell the sum beech on the old E-Bay.
The highest bid was bound to win it
‘Cause there's a sucker born every gosh darn minute.

That tater was sure a wondrous sight to see.
Was the spittin' image of the Man from Galilee.
Those Tex-Mexs will bid for this top dollar
‘Cause that's what they teach ‘em down in the holler.
I can hardly keep a straight face
They'll think it came from outer space
Maybe brought here by a UFO
When it crashed near Roswell, New Mexico.
Just put here to test their faith
A miracle for the Catholic race.

So I took a photo and put it away
To keep it for a week and a day
While I advertised it on the old E-Bay.
Got lots of bids and finally declared a winner
‘Twas a guy thought he was the biggest sinner.
Went to my stash to get the thing,
Eager to spend the money that it would bring.

Got the package out, put it on a stand
And unwrapped it with a trembling hand.
I had prayed that all would be well
But then I sensed an awful smell.
Unwrapped the rest and then I knew
It was such a mess I nearly threw.
My precious relic had rotted away
And Jesus had gone to heaven yesterday.

I sat down and cried and cried
My bid for riches had gone and died.
But I didn't give up and now every day
I spend sorting potatoes come what may.
Hoping to make another fabulous find
Before I go outta my friggin' mind.
Maybe I have reached that point too soon
As I'm as crazy as a loon.

So they finally hauled me away
To the old nut house where I'll have to stay
Until I join the Man on Judgement Day.
I just thought I was being clever
Didn't realize nothing lasts forever.
(Or sometimes, not even a week,
When you're out of luck and up shit creek!)