A Poet Defeated Poem by Sanika kkk

What do you seek
when my
name passes through
your lips
over the payphone?
Is it a flurry
of excitement?
or a solace of
familiar nostalgia?
Or even an aggravated
nuisance which i sometimes am?
Or do you desire
to seek at all
from my growing silences
transmitted through
those long distances
desperately to catch up
with our fading love?

My name when
whispered with
your tender ferocity
churns oceans of guilt
in me while
my inadequacy to
reciprocate in equal
measures have
thrown me into
pits of shamelessness.
Your love inhibits
my growth,
challenges my
thinking, feeds my brain
with lies and
destroys my hard gained
rationality.
Your love is simple
and demanding
and i know not but
to only reduce
it to its truth and
ruin the essence of
its being with my
sophisticated language.
Your tender
accusations, patiently
unravelling impatience
are the result
of my growing
quietness which
I cannot seem
to tame against
the volley of your
chaotic interrogations
and only retreat further
to the void inside
of my silent being,
away from you.
I am at war with
myself and you
are an useless
buffer getting
bombarded with the
distasteful colors
of my being.
Why do you not cower
honey?
Why not simply
walk away
towards a better,
less ruinous day.
Fade away, become
a memory for future
nostalgia and the driver
of all the words
my poems will ever be
for that is all
i will ever be:
A poet defeated
in love and victorious
in words.