A Reply... Men & Thir Habits (Scots) Poem by Alice Anne Gordon

Och Men!

Ye canny live way thum
Ye canny live without thum

Fur Aw thir hitherin and ditherin
About wit thir goan tae wear…
No wait a meenit, that’s us wumen.
I’ll steart again…

Och men!

Ye canny live way thum
Ye canny live without thum

Way thir idea eh a pint
Being o’er the score
First its wan
Then its two
Then its seven bludy more

They think that thir sober
Till the night wind’s over
Then it back tae thir bed
Where the wumen never said,
“I telt ye no tae huv that last pint”

So with a pacifying peck
Oan the dear wifie’s cheek
Its oaf tae the slumber land
With oot oany breeks
Then the snorin’ gets started
Followed close by the fartin
An hes deid tae the world and aw that

But at three, up he gets
To relieve from hes bladder
Aw the pints that ah mentioned afore.
So he feels fur the handle
In the dark pitch of night
And he open, what he thinks, is the door


Then We find thum,
Stark naked,
Daein’ impressions of that statue,
Where the wee man is peein in the pool.
If he’d made it tae the bathroom,
And just peed on the linoleum,
Ye could get away with callin thum a fool.

But he’s stonin’ in the wardrobe
Wae hes bahoochy aw hairy an shiverin
As he shoogles aff the pee from his wee man.
And tae mak’et matters worse,
Hes done hes due on only hurs
And now shes thinking that she should provide a ban
On oany type a muckle drinkin,
Where the pundit gets pure stinkin,
And proceeds tae widdle naewhere near the pan!