All Along Poem by Shannon Wade

He's been every definition of what LOVE is
My eyes water as I write and read this
I've spent atleast 15 years of my life confused about love
I've waded in pools full of lust filled thoughts and deceptive day dreams causing a strong physical pull followed by short lived escapades
From a clinical stand point it would seem I'd have the answer
But up until now...I didn't
Sure I thought I was doing well
Putting up a strong wall after leaving my daughters father
Being able to point out and avoid anyone who looked or smelled like him
As school ended and I was on my way to finally bear the fruits of 7 years of educational labor
I crossed paths with a distracting daydream once again and I watched my faithful friend watch intently once again
But there was something different about this time
Subconsciously I woke up knowing this would have to be my final ride with deception
I found myself at a psychological cross road
Being pulled by who I was and who I am now
I gazed at my daughter
Eagerly I was searching to complete my idea of a perfect family
Eager to kill the label of being a single mother
Eager to end my own personal drought that I had covered with work and school
Eager to kill my
Poor posture
Don't look at me
You'll just hurt me
I'm busy
Get away from me
But what about the one who never stopped looking at me
What about the one who loved me despite how painful it was to watch me dance in the wrong man arms time and time again
Adoring my daughter like his own
Watching me tear myself down as i chased
What he's been wanting to give me
For the past ten years
Cutely, we've celebrated the anniversary of our friendship each year
Knowing deep within that what we hold is beautiful an unbroken
I've felt his heart since we met
I tried to protect it because i didn't think I deserved something so pure
There was a time where I didn't trust myself with something so beautiful
So it was easy to chase and expect the impossible
From someone not capable
Growing accustomed to pain
Self inflicted pain
Addicted to the idea of a different outcome
That they'd follow the light
But they were only tainting the light in my eyes
In the back of my mind
His face lingered
I got comfortable that eventually this chapter would close
The lost wayward woman who seems to have it all together
But secretly she's was a mess inside due to past traumas
Trauma that defines the strong connection she makes with her clients because her heart speaks despite its pain
She knew
She couldn't let the blessing that's been staring at her so patiently loose hope and walk away
Shes scared
Because she never knew what love really was
That intimacy went beyond sensual fantasies
But love being so kind reassured her that he'd be there
To show her the way