Jeremy Williams

Rookie (11/11/1982 / Birmingham, England)

Away - Poem by Jeremy Williams

I wish I'd not gone away
Not for those two weeks
Not even for one day
All I wanted was to see you
How I wish I'd stayed
But I know I needed to go
Had lots of things I had to do
But I think that's when I lost you
Distance has gotten in our way
Too much has been happening
Causing the bond to weaken
I'm sorry if it was my fault
But if I had my time again
I would have stayed
It was far too early
For a blossoming relationship
To withstand the strain

Comments about Away by Jeremy Williams

  • (7/19/2005 1:13:00 PM)

    Jeremy, dont work with forms! The occasional (or constant) rhyme does nothing for a vague poem except let it (and you) avoid the real work, which is making the language come alive! ! I know this is all subjective, these terms, but if you can give physical body to the poems, use images, similes, metaphors, these will make the poem breathe. Rhyme and rhythm are easy to do badly. Ill repeat-read some good contemporary poets, American or UK. Now if you want to write song lyrics, this poem and its abstractions and its simple rhythms might work. But you want to write good poems, yes? P-Snob (Report)Reply

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  • (7/18/2005 3:37:00 PM)

    I can't seem to reply to Members' messages on my little Amstrad so I'll do it here. OOdles of promise here, but be very patient. I didn't write my first really good poems till I was over 30. Keep writing; keep mastering new forms of verse. Poetry that rhymes and scans is unfashionable with critics at the moment: you might try syllabic forms like haiku and tanka (I've done a few) which have a more conversational rhythm while not abandoning form. I think also your verse might lend itself to music in the sense of being possible pop or rock lyrics. David Gray and Mark Eitzel of American Music Club are two of my contemporary favourites.

    I'm in awe of actors, by the way: did you read my The Meteorology Of Loss?

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Poem Submitted: Monday, July 18, 2005

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