Dear Dad Poem by Patti Masterman

Dear Dad
Listen, after you left us
I had this little game I used to play
To stay sane: I pretended
You hadn't really left at all
It was easy since
I didn't see you leaving
I was just trying to honor your wishes-

Remember that day: it was your birthday
Back in the hospital, and they'd given you
Two pints of blood, and you came back
Back into yourself again;
Recognized us, and later that day
I was standing there holding your hand
You seemed to recollect then what was happening to you
And you jerked your hand away almost violently
Almost as if you knew that you would die soon
And you wanted me to go away and not witness it;
You were always so thoughtful and caring of me
But that wasn't when it happened-

And that time in the nursing home
I spoon fed you some taco casserole
I knew you didn't want it;
But I was doing it for the others
So they wouldn't realize anything different was going on
Forgive me Dad- it was dumb
And that time slow, large tears ran down Mother's face;
I was happy you couldn't see them
And when your roommate died right there
In the other bed beside yours, without warning-
I even held his hand at the end;
I knew it must be an omen
Because driving down there that day,
I'd felt as if I were entering a war zone
And when your catheter bag began filling up with blood
After they'd moved you back from the hospital the last time
I knew it wouldn't be long-

Anyway, what I would do is
I would imagine you sitting there alive
In your chair
Doing normal things you always did
Watching television, looking at the endless junk mail-
See the thing is,
I can still do it some days
Like today: it feels like
You're still here with me
With your humor, your irony
Your benevolent old-man goodness
That never wanted to hurt any other living creature-

You know sometimes I even go back again
To the last places we were together
In the flesh- the nursing home,
Where everyone thought you had died-
And I refused to look at your body
Because I knew it couldn't be true,
No matter how peaceful they said it looked
And the hospital corridor, in the downtown hospital
That one room felt like a hidden sanctuary
At the dropping off edge of the world-
Only once did another living person enter in there
While I sat there waiting beside you; just you and me
I felt safe in there as if I realized, we still had some time left
I think that's when the plan began to form:
It all felt so unreal then, you know
It felt like time was arcing in a big space,
But going around you and me-

And then there was that other room,
Where one day the doctors came
To tell us there was really no hope
But I wouldn't let them crowd around your bed
Talking that way: it was disrespectful
They didn't know you like I knew you:
That you could never really disappear-

Remember that time the nursing home
Called the emergency number
You were trying to leave your body again
Nobody could find the DNR order
So they had come to torture you some more
I felt so ashamed, as if I had failed you personally
I went into your bathroom and hid in there, beet red
Curiously ashamed; I remembered how much
It bothered you when I cried, as a child
It felt just like that, except I wasn't even crying then, Dad-?

I've begun to need the illusion
I never wanted to know a world
Without you in it;
I just wanted to be sure
I had your blessing first
And that you really are up there
Watching over me now-

Just a little sign, is what I need
Like that time I opened up
Your little box of joke cards
Clearing stuff out, after you'd left us;
The ones you had me write out in long hand
For your radio show
And the one I happened to pull out
Was in your handwriting,
It was the one where you reminded yourself
To say that you loved me
At the end of every show you did on the air
See, it's just that easy:
Another sign like that one
That's all I need and then I'll be fine
Thanks then, and all the best to you, Dad
I'll just be down here waiting,
Just let me hear you say it one more time:
Just say that you love me again