Christopher Higginson

Rookie - 0 Points (16 April 1944 / Salisbury Rhodesia)

Effects Of Hard Liquor - Poem by Christopher Higginson

I've looked at nations, what they drink, and how they then behave
It seems their stations, how they think, from birth unto the grave
Is fashioned by the booze they try and what they do when smashed
They laugh or cry, you can't deny their moods when they are trashed

In Tennessee they make whiskey that blows your head right off
If there you drink, you're put in clink, it's true now, don't you scoff
But take your crate right out the State, you'll drink until you're shot
They know the danger and what's stranger: they're happy with their lot

So then I thought, 'Now has this taught, us how the booze has fashioned
Our moods and mind, so are we blind or should we now be rationed
Or is the sort of booze we ought to pulverise our brains
Be Sweet or Dry, distilled from rye and come from grapes or grains? '

It seems that places and their races eat differently as Nations
A breakfast large helps you to barge your way through complications
Vegetarians like agrarians and seldom kill their meat
The carnivore likes blood and gore from things that moo and bleat

But think of wine and how that fine elixir of the Gods
Gives us a mood that's never rude, not like those 'spirit' sods
Who drink their 'shorts' amid retorts of anger and aggression
The morning after, with no laughter, you'd think they'd learned a lesson

The side effects of booze affects the kidneys and the heart
The beat of which can be a bitch if stopping it won't start
But you can see how malt whi-sky is drunk by irate Scots
Belligerent, they rave and rant and in their eyes see spots

The Swedes distil, and then they fill, their flagons with their brew
They slay some goats then take to boats to see who they can screw
With horns on hats they start their spats with everyone they meet
The Viking hoards with massive swords will kill before they greet

The Cossacks dance and drink and prance with complicated steps
Then take to horse and take a course across the savage Stepps
They rape and pillage but the spillage of booze is not allowed
They steal and plunder, pull asunder like nuclear fission cloud

The Sake drinkers, you think are thinkers, well think again my friend
They'll dominate to Heaven's Gate with Ninjas that will send
Your heads one way, without delay, your bodies in another
Because the Nipps will come to grips with you and life-force smother

The Ouzo'd Greek will ever seek to have a tavern fight
A Portuguese will say 'Yes Please, I'd like to snuff your light
Because I'm bent on Aquad'ent I'm see-ing most things double! '
A Rum Slave Boss from Barbados is always seeking trouble

The drunken Welsh will try to squelch the just as drunken Micks
The Pie-eyed Brits put up their mitts and go to war with sticks
The plastered Dutch do not do much when drinks are drowned in water
Not like the Finns who fill their skins with more booze than they oughta

The Y-front slopes are misanthropes when steeped in vats of Brandy
The Caned Rhodesians make adhesions 'gainst anyone who's handy
The suntanned Aussies fight in cossies with those of foreign lingoes
The Maoris slake their thirst and shake their fists at men with dingos

Hungarians are Barbarians when they have had a skinful
Just like the Poles who take up roles that signify they're sinful
Aristocrats go just as bats as commoners when they're drunk
With no exception or deception with spirits down, they're sunk

There is one land where it's not banned to drink this hardened liquor
But stupefaction is not the action they like, it makes them sicker
So all day these sip wine with cheese and claim that life is 'Bon'
They don't quiver when their liver weighs more than half a ton

The wines makes French sit on the bench and imbibe fruits of grapes
There's no aggression in pro-longed session, or when they homeward traipse
They get invaded by those jaded with alcoholic fusions
But they don't care, they know that there will be fu-ture collusions

Eventually with wine you see the world becomes not serious
The Chardonnay turns work to play and life becomes hilarious
The Cabernet will make you gay and never causes bickers
Of course Champagne helps ease the strain of ladies' 'lastic knickers

Comments about Effects Of Hard Liquor by Christopher Higginson

  • (3/1/2007 9:48:00 AM)

    Good one! !

    When the Micks and the Jocks, the Taffys and Johns
    Decide to have drinks of Teas(e) with their scones
    You’ll find the addition which often works best
    Is a half Jack of whisky to give the beer zest
    Then the arguments start when they’re all having fun
    About how to ‘spike’ that son of a gun


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  • (3/1/2007 8:00:00 AM)

    As a Mick I suggest, we're oft at our best
    When within us the Guinness is in us.
    Are more likely to chance a bit of a dance
    Than a 'squelch' with a welsh miners missus
    So if you attack, this land of the 'craic'
    Where tis only the poitín's pernicious
    We'll take not a whit at your bit of a skit
    But say 'join us, let's start getting viscous'.

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Poem Submitted: Thursday, March 1, 2007

Poem Edited: Tuesday, January 25, 2011

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