Father Poem by YasminAj Sesinyi

Here i am sitting on the cold floor.
But not as cold as my heart
Maybe this pain has become just too unbearable
In my bloody hands i hold a 15 year old picture of me
And to the red tear rolling down my hard cheek i smile,
This is me.
Or rather, that was me,
15 years ago..
The world seemed a happy place back then,
Even though i had no toy of my own-
I knew my dad was mine.
Looking at her beaming face,
With her dad by her side,
I wonder,
Was this really me?
What happened to the man i regarded my father?
Did age fade with his love?
He never takes alcohol nor drugs,
But i swear he's never sober
Well, maybe hatred also intoxicates the mind.
But, i have decided,
Before he swears at me more that he'll see hell,
Before he takes my life away,
Before he breaks mum's heart more,
Before it's too late,
I shall depart from him.
Before i accidentally call him papa,
My Ab'u,
I will let him be happy.
I choose him to have a stress-free life,
Him, to be happy,
Without the nagging me of course
Hopefully i shall find peace in heaven
And someone to call Father.
I shall then place this handful of pills in my tummy,
At least i will feel pain no more.
I remember mum telling me i'm strong,
But i was too weak to acknowledge my strength,
And i think she was right.
Yes, i am strong.
I am very strong
Too strong to stop my pain,
Too strong to survive in a lonely dark place
Too strong to be alone forever,
Too strong to choose a monster's life over mine.
Now that i'm gone,
Now that my suicide note is read,
Now that i've been judged by the wise
And been misunderstood by the world,
May you be happy.
Your stupid dumb child was stupid enough to take her own life,
something the world thinks is priceless,
But maybe it just doesn't understand,
what's life without love anyway?
© 2015 aj sesinyi