I like this poem very much. It's a vivid image, even as vivid contradicts image presented.
If I may be so bold, though (and I'm going to be) , I think every line can be tightened to heighten the effect. Lose the indefinite article in the first line. It's actually a definite cloud (even if hazy) , the cloud of this poem. Using the definite article would be clunky, so just jump right in with Hazy. In the second line I think an adjective to describe the moon would add to the image more than using the definite article. The is just a place holder without impact. And I'd be more inclined to use disallowed in final line, unless I could find a more concrete phrase to replace the abstraction.
No offense meant by the suggestions. I really do like the poem and think it's quite effective already. But brief poems in particular require close scrutiny of every word. I like scrutinizing, it helps keep me sharp. Not because I intend it as a cut to you or your work. Just friendly thoughts, take 'em or leave 'em.
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I like this poem very much. It's a vivid image, even as vivid contradicts image presented. If I may be so bold, though (and I'm going to be) , I think every line can be tightened to heighten the effect. Lose the indefinite article in the first line. It's actually a definite cloud (even if hazy) , the cloud of this poem. Using the definite article would be clunky, so just jump right in with Hazy. In the second line I think an adjective to describe the moon would add to the image more than using the definite article. The is just a place holder without impact. And I'd be more inclined to use disallowed in final line, unless I could find a more concrete phrase to replace the abstraction. No offense meant by the suggestions. I really do like the poem and think it's quite effective already. But brief poems in particular require close scrutiny of every word. I like scrutinizing, it helps keep me sharp. Not because I intend it as a cut to you or your work. Just friendly thoughts, take 'em or leave 'em.