Home Runs For Politicians Poem by gershon hepner

Home Runs For Politicians

In Seattle the big-wig
is Ichiro Suzuki who
hits infield singles chicks don’t dig,
because they like their men to screw
the pitcher, hitting a home run,
an infield single will not do,
unlike a steak that’s underdone.
Raw meat is manly but a single
will not excite a chick who’s cute;
the only man who’ll make her tingle
is one with no brains, like a brute,
who’ll hit the ball out of the park,
as we expect our politicians
to do, which may be why they strike
so often out, since their traditions,
like baseball players chicks most like,
involve grand plans like fixing the
economy and waging war,
while always in a spending spree
providing people more and more
excitement, clearing all the bases
while the voters loses their shirts,
hoping thus to win their races
with the votes, like big flirts.
Voters all expect home runs,
and politicians whom they like
promise butter and big guns
until they’re called out on a strike.

Inspired by an article on the Seatlle Mariners’ star, Ichiro Suzuki (“Mariners’ Suzuki on a First-Name Basis With Records, ” August 23,2009) :
The Seattle Mariners’ Ichiro Suzuki is closing in on a major-league-record ninth straight season of 200 hits. Wee Willie Keeler, the only other player to do it eight seasons in a row, finished his run in 1901, a century before Suzuki came to the United States and began his streak.Pete Rose had 10 200-hit seasons, the most for a career. Suzuki, who has 183 hits this season, will have 10, too, if his years in Japan are counted. He achieved the milestone in 1994, his first of seven full seasons with the Orix Blue Wave. That feat received no fanfare in the United States, but it captivated Japan because it was the first 200-hit season in the history of professional baseball there. What is more, he did it at a breathtaking pace, finishing with 210 hits in a 130-game schedule. The season has since been lengthened, helping two other players reach 200 hits, but Suzuki’s 210 is the record….But in a country where slogans like “chicks dig the long ball” underscore the popularity of power, Suzuki’s talent for getting lesser hits — like his major-league-leading 449 infield hits since 2001 — can be underappreciated. But in the eyes of opposing players, Suzuki’s ability to manipulate the ball in the confined space of an infield is startling. “I wish you could put a camera at third base to see how he hits the ball and see the way it deceives you, ” Detroit third baseman Brandon Inge said. “You can call some guys’ infield hits cheap, but not his. He has amazing technique.” But the technique that Suzuki’s peers marvel at can be overlooked because he has great speed. But if speed were the only factor, his infield hits should decrease as age slows him down. The opposite is true: he is 35, and the infield hits are increasing. In 1994,34 of his 210 hits stayed in the infield; so far this year,51 of his 183 hits have been infield hits, a pace that would give him his single-season high in that category…
As Suzuki nears a record ninth straight season of 200 hits, he seems little concerned with how his unique approach is embraced by a society that digs the long ball. “Chicks who dig home runs aren’t the ones who appeal to me, ” he said. “I think there’s sexiness in infield hits because they require technique. I’d rather impress the chicks with my technique than with my brute strength. Then, every now and then, just to show I can do that, too, I might flirt a little by hitting one out.” Indeed, his 30 home runs to lead off a game is tied for 10th in a career.


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