johanna damon
schenectady ny

Hopes And Fears

Scars not seen but they are there none the less
The scars are on my heart
The questions in my mind
I wonder if he knows how bad he hurt me
I wonder if he even cares
I wonder if these girls are his
I wonder if they will ever forgive me
I'm so young and my baby girls will grow up in a time of war
I wonder if they will start another draft if this goes on much longer
I'm not a fighter
I don't want to have to fight in a war that isn't mine
I don't want to die in a war of politics
I don't want have to choose between my girls and my country
My girls win every time
I don't want to have to flee my country and never be able to come back
I don't want to use my girls as an excuse as why I don't have any money
I don't want to be on welfare
I don't want to have to be dependent on a man
I don't want to have to depend on any one but myself
I don't want this life
I never have
I wonder if I was destined from the start to lead this life of heartache
I don't want my girls to have a life like I did
But they are already on that road
I have deprived them of a father by not waiting
By not protecting myself
I have started to lead them on a broken road of pain and heartache
I never wanted that for my kids
I have no one but myself to blame
I get that part by now
I wonder if this is all a punishment from god
I wonder if god even cares
I wonder if god abandoned me
It sure feels that way
I hope my babies don't feel the pain that I do
I hope I never have to leave them and deprive them of myself
Their mother
I hope they never feel abandoned like I do
I hope they will never feel unwanted
I hope they don't turn out like me
I hope their lives aren't filled with chaos
Swirling whirling skies of disappointment regret and pain
I hope they never lose their rosy view of the world
I hope they don't have to grow up too fast
I hope they have strength courage and determination
I hope they never back down
I hope they stand up for what they believe in
I hope they can make their lives better than I've made mine

Copyright © Johanna M Stone 2011
Saturday, February 11, 2012

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