johanna damon

Rookie (march 25,1994 / schenectady ny)

Weakness - Poem by johanna damon

I need the sting of mortal pain to bring me back from the depths of mental hell. I'm struggling to stay the Blade it calls to me
It says go
Let go and let me handle it. You know of the serenity I give just let me take care of you.
I stare at the Blade, my hand hovers over it, then with a final triumphant shout the Blade shrieks with glee as my hand betrays my mind and, flips Him out and cuts deep
Once, twice, three, four times I rise back up from hell only to slide back down when the sting fades again I go down into my own personal hell cant tell what its from all I hear is USE ME ever louder I give in again up, up, up, up and away goes my fear Aguish pain sorrow I see the cuts and call myself weak and useless I spiral down cut again rise higher on the wings of pain down, down, down, down I fall again a never ending cycle of pain that helps only for me to crash. I can't escape the horror of what I've seen and what I've done
It lurks in my mind fueling HIS fire of despair so when I'm called its harder to resist to stay here among the joys of humankind
My soul feels like it's filled with darkness
What have I done to myself I'm tormented
Why you ask?
Because what I've done is all of my own choice and the ending is inevitable I will spiral down so far and cut so deep I will fly up, up, up, up until the cut my release kills me I seem to await the final high the final cut that will end my life
And my dark soul will be the death of me finally just what He my savior my release the Blade wants come fly with me up high to the sky the final trip that will send me so high up that I will DIE
Who can save me who can stay my wayward hand or will it be to late before its seen why?
I can put on a false happy face HIS puppet and I cant speak or He threatens to take away my high the glorious mortal pain that delivers me from the downward journey into my personal mental hell so I obey the Blade and I go down again so far but I use Him I go up, up and away again just what he wants me to do but I'm ensnared craving what only HE has the high of cutting into my flesh nothing like it
The pleasure/pain I'm a hopeless addict a
Slave and the Blade is my smug Master
I try to avoid all thoughts of my Master that I called to in my despair of all who answered
Drink, Death, Disorders, Hope
I choose the Blade he is my Master and my mind says 'go run away' but in my heart I still love Him my cruel Master I try to leave but I always
Crawl back on my hands and knees
Begging for the release only he can give me the
Blade my Master I'm bound to Him for life I have chosen my
Fate
It is with
The Blade my Master


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Poem Submitted: Monday, August 13, 2012

Poem Edited: Tuesday, August 14, 2012


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