I Use Laughter As My Cover Up Poem by Shilesha Johnson

You ask why I laugh so much
Why is it that I smile when there’s nothing to smile about
And though that may be true
Smiling is the only way out
Me smiling has nothing to do with being happy
Me smiling has nothing to do with being glad
It’s about me covering up the way I truly feel
Especially when I feel like nothing is what I have
Absolutely nothing to smile about
And even though things are better now
You and I are not
And at some point you’re motto use to be
“We all we got”
It use to be that I was your world
Your little girl
But not anymore
In fact now it’s just a thought
Just something I use as hope
So that I can grow
And you ask why I laugh at everything
Well I don’t cause inside I’m actually crying
But laughing is just my way of hiding
And covering up the way I truly feel
My way of escaping what is real
My way of not thinking about it
I’m just really good at disguising it
Deep down I really want to laugh and mean it
I want it to be that hilarious
But it’s not because
There’s nothing funny about you being the one I miss
And I just wish
That I could be the one that your heart is with
But I’m not
The drugs are
And even though pain is surrounding my heart
I make the outer coat seem like a smile
Even if it’s only for a while
It’s long enough
To keep people from suspecting that something is up
Long enough to make people think nothing is wrong
Long enough to make people think that I’m okay
So if I’m laughing way too hard just let me.....
So for that one minute
I don’t feel the pain