I Was Nearly Canonized Recently Poem by Chuy Amante

My benevolence apparent
my sins transparent

I was was The One in line
for the highest utmost
ordination divine

Yes, many thought I was it
Halo and all, I'm the shit

Time for all to know my good
time for my deserved sainthood

Interviewed I was and put thru the ringer
they wanted to know if I had a stinger

Hidden 'issues' better now exposed
So as to not later be quietly deposed

I'm so holy and without blemish
luck to them to find a fetish

I talk to animals and heal the hurting
I tow the line, never a bit skirting

But alas came a question from the left,
cold-cocked me good, left me bereft

Do you ever eat more than you should?
Could I lie (once) and still be good?

I said 'Define 'should' and more '
Do you ever pig out, a real food whore?

At that point, I knew I was sunk
I was a ghastly closet Cheetos punk

One last chance I did take,
I asked how many ounces that would make?

The Holy Supreme Board set me straight
'Canon dictates 6 ounces to make'
GLUTTONY!
Glutton I was named, those damn Cheetos
were to blame

All those bags down in the dumpster deep
Someone crawled in, a competitor creep!

So I am here sullen today,
not a thing to really say

I ate those Cheetos, I pounded them good
they cost my holiness, my anointed sainthood!