It’s An Emergency Poem by C Richard Miles

It’s all a bit of an emergency at the moment;
There’s so much, you don’t know where to start.
How can we clear all this mess up?
I know, I’ll phone 999:
That should do the trick.

So I dial and all I hear is:
Operator speaking; What service do you want?
I don’t know, really, but it’s an emergency.
What service do you want?

Well, what do you suggest?
There’s the environmental emergency,
The global warming emergency,
The credit crunch, food prices, food shortages,
Droughts, typhoons, earthquakes, floods.
There’s so many emergencies
I don’t know where to start.
Is this a hoax call?
We don’t deal with that sort of emergency.

It’s not a hoax; it’s deadly serious.
I know; I’ll phone God
What’s his number?
Something like 3 in 1 and 1 in 3.
I’ll try it and see.
He’ll sort it out for us.
He’s good at emergencies.
That’s his sort of thing.
I’ll give him a ring.

So I dial and all I hear is:
Operator speaking; What service do you want?
God, I answer.
God? She asks.
Is that the morning service or the evening service
Or do you want the special service?

What special service? I ask.
The one they usually want.
Those that can’t be arsed to get to church nowadays.
When they’re in trouble.
The special service. Know what I mean?
That’s the one, I say; I can’t wait till Sunday.
It’s an emergency.

Putting you through.
Extension seven;
Directly to heaven.
Please hold: Your call is valuable to us.
We’re sorry that we can’t answer at the moment…

But, God…
There’s an emergency.
There’s all these wars
All this terrorism
All this stabbing and shooting
All this global warming
All this poverty
All this disease
What with AIDS, MRSA, TB etcetera
Thousands are dying every day
It’s an emergency.
You’re doing nothing about it.
Please hold: Your call is valuable to us.
We’re sorry that we can’t answer at the moment…

But, God…
You’ve got to listen:
The credit crunch is hitting
The economy’s up the creek without a paddle
Oil prices are sky high
And it’s running out
We’ve tried Nuclear
But we need help with the waste
It’s an emergency.
Please hold: Your call is valuable to us.
We’re sorry that we can’t answer at the moment…

But, God…
The rainforests are being cut down
The whole global ecosystem is in terminal decline
There’s climate change
And global warning
And pollution
And overpopulation
It’s an emergency.
Please hold: Your call is valuable to us.
We’re sorry that we can’t answer at the moment…

Oh, sod it!
I can’t wait for an answer.
Perhaps I should try the alternative.
He might help,
Although I don’t know why the hell he should
What’s his number?
It a bit like 999, isn’t it?
I know, upside-down.
666, That’s right, isn’t it?

So I dial and all I hear is:
We’re sorry that we can’t answer at the moment…
Another bloody recorded message.
..unfortunately there’s been a redundancy
He’s been put out of work.
It seems that man can now do the job for himself
Very nicely, thank you.
Your call is valuable to us.
Please hang up.