Knocking On His Door Poem by Susan Lacovara

I slept later than usual
This morning
Hoping to hurry this day away

I shall meet you, later,
Not for coffee and conversation
But instead for another reminder
Of your swift stab departure

The trade off of left behind items
Haggling over their actual worth
Memories are golden
But hurt tarnishes every little thing

Will your eyes meet mine
In ways I can recognize

Will words be kind
Or calculated

Will you brush me away
Like a vagrant begging for loose change

Or will you find deep inside yourself
The flicker of a flaming torch
And protect me from being scorched

Without a second thought
Subconsciously dressing to catch your eye
I think to look most beautifully smart
Strong, confident, composed
Pulling it all together
While completely falling apart
Best to not apply mascara
Allowing tears to stain my sketched-on smile
I steady my shaking hands
And bubble-wrap my heart...

You used to notice everything
The flip of my hair
The swing of my hips
The scent of my skin
The pout of my lips

Today I think you will only notice
The sense of relief you feel
When I walk away
Being let off the hook
Of knowing how much this has hurt me
You build taller walls
To secure your fortress
And surround yourself with a moat
Knowing I will not cross into enemy territory
And I doubt you will lower the drawbridge
And offer me safe passage

It is easier for you to see me
In the controlled comfort
Of your space
There, and then, you can call the shots
Telling me of a busy schedule
An important call to make
A hurried hectic day that holds no extra room
For making me feel better

Surely you will see my scars
But you care not to lend first aid
I will leave bleeding