Ray Mesa

Rookie (5/17/89 / Grand Forks)

Letters I'Ll Never Stamp, Letters I'Ll Never Send - Poem by Ray Mesa

Dear laurel
You have been my recent love interest
I guess you don’t want me, I guess that’s best
But before I say goodbye, let me lay some things to rest
Much like every girl that turned me down
Wrote down that they were sorry and never spoke to me again
I don’t know why I fell for someone like you
And put myself threw such internal abuse
I did like you
I had kind thoughts of once dating you
Kissing you under rain
Calling you everyday
But since everybody claims me as insane
That I am some gothic raciest freak that is deranged
Nobody, not even you would date me
My whole life has been a game
Each level ending the same
And when I look for someone to blame
All I find is me
I’m alone, Sick of being me
I just want some girl to set me free
From this cage, from this locked room
Each time I try to find love
It is always too soon
So I end up sleeping alone, Stained by my own blood
Maybe I don’t really hate you
Maybe I just hate every girl that turned me down
That told me I was not good enough for them
That looked at me like I was some kind of amusement park clown
I don’t know what you are to me
A friend, an enemy, or just a stranger
Someone I want to scream at or someone I would want to stray away from danger
I just don’t know
Who I am or where I am going
I have no clue
Love has become so unknowing
I guess I just don’t know you
So here I am
Alone again
I feel like I’m condemned
This inability remains
I am damned
I guess I’ll retrain
Someday I hope to fall in love
With someone that will love me back
Someone who I’d love to think of
Someone I’d dream of
So save me the anxiety attack
I’ll find someone else to think of
I’ll run forward instead of running back

Dear Marla
After every girl turned me down
I looked around
And you were the only one left
For one second I felt an inner peace, a calm rest
I thought you were innocent
I thought you were a saint
It came to my knowledge
That is about everything you ain’t
You mocked my life
You lied to me
In a way you twisted the knife
Already in my back
You should be concerned. Both your heart and your boyfriend are black
Who'll make your life perfect now?
No not me
After what you did, you created a defect
You mocked that I was still virgin
And If I had the courage
I would have fired back about your sex life
The rumors I heard and how awful you look under bright enough light
You have the body of a model
By model I mean manikin
You’re plastic; you’re Fake, For god's sake
Stop drinking before you end up being raped
I don't know what I think about you
I guess I hate you

Dear Sarah
This is my last letter
Hopefully it’ll make one of us feel better
I saw the picture you drew on the back of one of my notebooks
I got so sad and angry I threw it across the room, sat in the corner and shook
You hurt me so much
If you saw me now you would notice the rust
That's how much I've cried
Each night I lay in bed listening to repeats of your lies
Bouncing like marbles in my head
I wish I could bash open my skull and feel it with lead
So none of your pain would ever affect me again
I loved you, you were my first girlfriend
I just wish that your life would end
That you would never sleep again, that you would never sleep with anyone again
I try to call you every time a storm comes
Each flash flood
Just because I want to know you’re alive
And if that's not love
Then my whole life has been a lie
When I listen to 'broken' on my car stereo
I stop traffic because I just need to cry
I just wish I could bury you
Kiss your forehead and then throw some dirt on you
Remember when I wanted to marry you?
Sweep you off your feet and carry you
I wish I could imagine nice things
I would Love to say them to your face
It makes me sick
That I didn’t even have to try to get to third base
You’re a whore; you lost your virginity at age 12
If heaven exists, I’ll see you in hell
So here is my farewell
Goodbye Sarah
Please lock your door
Because you have made me so angry
That I have lost all control

Comments about Letters I'Ll Never Stamp, Letters I'Ll Never Send by Ray Mesa

  • (8/7/2006 7:13:00 PM)

    i think it may be a good idea to find an outlet for your love and attention on something other than girls at school, (simply judging from these letters) i have a friend who is much like this and tries to pin his unrequited love on another girl and another etc, it really isnt emotionally healthy i dont think and if you believe in god wel then there might be something there for you instead,
    it's good to be yourself regardless of the social consequences, if you try to be something your not then you will be unhappy (at least in my experience)
    hope you have grown happier since these unsent letters were written
    take care mate,
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  • (5/8/2006 3:26:00 PM)

    Wow, Ray.

    You've got some anger, there.

    I can't help thinking a girl who loses her virginity at twelve years of age is the victim of rape or child molestation, and therefore not worthy of your contempt...

    But... is probably promiscuous because being robbed of one's innocence, that way, makes a girl feel like the trashy whore you think she is. When, in fact, she is a broken doll, who has never been adequately loved- and your rage proves it.

    Oh. I misspoke. She is adequately loved- by God. But no human has yet adequately conveyed or convinced her of that. How sad for her.

    And you- you, too, are adequately loved- by God. I hope you become convinced of that, so that you can one day adequately love another.
    (Report) Reply

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Poem Submitted: Monday, May 8, 2006

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