Longing Poem by Trevor McLeod

I ran into a friend the other day
we hadn't seen each other in a while
we just happened to bump into one another
at the local mall on Sunday
It was odd he was different
but I couldn't place it
so I just kept walking
and talking for some time

we had spent a while tlaking
when I heard his name called
turning to see who called
I was surprised
to see a young woman
carrying a small bundle
of blankets in her arms

I watched as he moved
to her side and took her hand
and kissed her softly
to see my friend
like this I was jealous
how I longed to have what he has

I was surprised
as he gestured for me to come to him
I met his wife a charming woman
but my surprise was doubled
as he handed the bundle to me
imagined me shock to hold a small baby in my arms
she was beautiful
all dressed in pink
her little fingers clenched tightly
little pink and white socks covered her feet
she slept on not caring who held her

I felt eyes upon me
I look back to my friend and his wife
but they are not staring openly at me
and I let my gaze wander
that is when I spot her
a little child
no more than 4
hiding behind her mothers leg

She is dressed in a light yellow dress
and is gazing at me
I smile hoping to reassure
but she darts from behind her mother
running to her dad holding out her arms
wanting to be picked up

I feel uncomfortable
so I hand his daughter back
my heart feels like a knife is being twisted
as I release her
it felt so good to hold her

my unease grows
fearing a scene I exscuse my self
saying I will be late if I don't go
my goodbye is hasty
I need to escape

I return home
only to find everybody gone
I move to my bed
not really caring
I can't help it
as tears are falling
why is it
I long to have a wife
a child
to protect
to care
to love

I stare at the ceiling
I can't help it
my heart hurts so much
is it my fate
to long to protect
longing to love
longing to have a family
but unable to have any of it

these questions roll through my head
till the sun fades into night
I move to my favorite spot
I sit on the roof of the proch
staring into the darkness
The guard light is busted
I have true darkness
only interupted
by the pools of light
cast by families in their homes
I am one with the darkness around me
if I don't want to be found I hide in the darkness

Right now I don't want to be found
MY head will not be quiet
my heart will not lose
I once again ask the darkness
why
but as before it does not answer
it never does
but it still is nice to have spoken
even if I don't get an answer
I am jealous of my friend
I want to have what he has
I want to feel what he feels
and I ask
Is that so wrong

I move back inside
and curl up on my bed
I think back to what it was like
holding that small child
I dream of what it would be like
holding a child of mine
along with a wife
who would love me
regardless of my faults
who would over look
my mistakes and care for me
I fall asleep and dream happy dreams
and I ask
is that so wrong