Lord Have Mercy. Poem by Raouf Reda

All of my days, I was searching for you.
They told me that I was made from you.
And that you created every thing around.
Sun, moon, Sea and me.
They told me that you are God Almighty.
They told me that you live in heaven.
And when I asked where is heaven.
They told me it’s far away.
They told me that you will judge me.
And that you know every thing about me.
Years passes and I was searching for you.
Then my father starts to die.
I shouted to you high.
God cure my father cure him.
But you didn’t reply.
People told me that you chose to be my father.
And that you loved me.
But I couldn’t count on you.
I was afraid, living alone dieing every day.
They said that I have to pray.
But inside I know that you will never listen.
I didn’t forget when I asked for your help.
I asked my self who are you?
Are you history?
Or maybe you are hope?
I didn’t know.
But I was sure of one thing.
I am not important to you.
I wasn’t shocked!
I started to forget you.
And pretend that you don’t exist.
Time passes.
I enjoyed little and hurt a lot.
I didn’t want to search for you.
I managed to cure my self.
I am the only one who will care about me.
But I didn’t hate you.
I start hearing people talking about you.
In a much wearied way.
They said that they can hear you.
And that they talk to you.
I said to my self they have to be mad.
Then I knew that I will die.
I shouted loud take me I don’t want to live here.
I don’t want to suffer.
It hurts like hell.
But you didn’t listen.
I felt like I am drowning.
In lavas I was burning from inside to outside.
I can’t breath nor think.
I was dieing slowly.
I shouted again ‘Lord have Mercy’.
I can’t wait to die I can’t.
But you didn’t replay.
I fight on and I couldn’t give up.
I look around to people.
And felt the bitter hearts.
No one feels what I am going through.
Finally my body was cured.
But my soul didn’t.
I was going insane.
People told me ‘hard times can make you bitter or better’
I tried to turn better.
I opened my heart once again to life.
I fall in love for my first time.
She made me forgot you and pain.
I thought that I was complete.
And for the fist time I prayed ‘thank you’
She was so good to be true.
Then I discovered that she wasn’t true.
With all the lies & cheating that i didn't know.
She killed me.
I trust no one any more.
People said no pain to gain.
Then I started from the beginning.
But this time I didn’t fall I was afraid.
And I found out the same lies and cheating.
Then I knew that this is life.
Every one is acting.
My life is a big silly movie.
I started to take my own revenge from the people who hurt me.
And I couldn’t stop I was full of hate and anger.
I couldn't help it.
I shouted to you again Lord help me to forget.
But you didn’t.
Hate and anger grows every day more and more.
And that is when I realized that I didn’t hurt any one but me.
I worked hard to forget.
I gained respect & power.
But I didn’t gain happiness.
Still feel helpless.
Still there is something missing.
Every day the anger inside comes in tears in away I can’t control.
I shouted again please when I cry takes all of my tears and let it dry.
Now you heard my voice,
You want me to be your’s.
You are here; you can hear.
You are really my God!
Your voice is so clear. I can’t believe it.
All that time you was preparing something I still don’t know.
Now I don’t want to know.
Because I know that you are my father.
I will not bather my self any more.
Because I know that I am in your hands.
I will never go my way again.
I will let you lead.
Forgive my narrow mind.
And forgive my small heart.
I love you. Yes I do.