Memories Real Or Fantasized For Adu Poem by Shaakiera Schroeder

Thoughts of you consume me,
Images of your face fill my mind
Changing, flashing…almost like a slideshow
Memories not real, but fantasized.

See we never had a relationship, when you were alive.
So I listen...carefully…shamelessly…
Undivided attention, a hunger I can’t conceal!
Hang on to every funny, crazy, even
sad tale, remembered by family and friends alike.

From this I construct…brick by brick
Memories of my own.
This may seem strange and probably even
Bizarre,
But when you have no memories
of your own,
you do what you have to,
to get through.

Familiar anger well up inside_
I always thought I’d have enough
Time_
All those days wasted,
Watching you, in and out
Passing me by…
Like clouds on a windy day,
Swept away.

Wishing now I had stopped you
Hearing the familiar “salaamalaykum”
As you turn and walk away
“Wait” I should have said,
“how was your day? ”
But I left you to walk away,
Mimicking your greeting…
I put it off and excuse it “he’s a teenager”
I say “they have their own way”

Days like these when anger overwhelms,
I day dream,
That you had sat down beside me
And shared your life…your laughter…
Your smile!

I envision you speaking words that people say you used and laugh,
As I hear your voice clearly
Beautiful child…
Strong voice like a favorite song…plays over and over in my head…it’s a sound
I will never forget.

The last time I saw you
A brief moment we shared…

Sadness tries to steal through my thoughts
I rush to block it out and replace it with
Silly things you did…
Instead of unhappiness …
Your eyes sparkle with innocent mischief_
Memories not real_memories fantasized.

Unlike the humbling of loss and grief
Like a monster…guilt rides me
Makes me so unkind.



As if you reach down and
Envelope me in your arms
Suddenly I am reminded of what you left behind…
A constant reminder_
How precious is time? ? ? ?
Belonging to no one
Not yours or mine
To precious to be wasted
For a second or nine…

Now I spent most of it
Writing or talking to you
Building a spiritual relationship
I know is alive.
Death will not defeat us…
You have my time!
Alive in my spirit…heart and mind!
Alive in me, forever in time…

It no longer matter if memories are
Theirs or mine…
I no longer care if they real or fantasized!

Shaakiera Schroeder 29/12/09(2 days to 9mnths)