Multicolored Poem by Fallen Angel

multicolored fish
watch the world eating cereal
at home
sLeeping flowers
buildings with teeth
sharks on the street corner
am i breathing air
or water?
whO am i? amalie
what am i? everything
when? everywhen
how? very good thank you
why? to meet...someOne? but
he's
not here
searching through the cold
blanK faces i can't find
his
i see bright eyes and
smiles but none of them are
his
i look harder but i cant find
him
a building falls next
to me but they
just keep walkIng all
of them into the black
hole left by
the building i think 'is
he
in there? ' its suddenly
so bright i
have to get away get
something to drink that
burns down my throat and singes my tongue
and it erases
his
name-what was it?
i want to remember
now but it will not come
to me, in my mind, out of
my miNd
the drink burns holes in my esophagus and
takes images from my
brain and mixes them up, puts
them in different places, wrong
places between
real and
fake the lines fade i hate this drink i want
to throw it everywhere but
instead i just sit quietly
explodinG into my
self (what was it?) no i
dont remember i'm
too busy forgetting and
exploding and drinking away
my feeling into numb, the
feeling that feels.
feels like tentacles
wrapping around my throat and
squeezing only tightly enough
to be slightly panic inducing
and i sit alone without
him
(what was it?) no no what are
you talking about? that never even
existed! it was a
Fantasy created by a renegade thought
that mutinied from desire
and stole ideas from perfection
and twisted the arm of reality to make
it true but its not true
he's
not true
he
cant be, an angel a god but younger
and more breathtaking
features that make me deaf
mute and incompitent i was never
like that, i cant compare i
hate how im nOt what
he
needs i am not like
him
at all. (what was it?)
nothing it didnt
exist its a lie
a lie that i want to be true
(so make it)
what? no i cant it hurts too much
thats what the dink is for to stop the hurt
to stop remembering to
forget everything
another building crumbles and a white bush
burns crimson into the
dusk, spotlights search foR
the dead, no not truely, they
search for what to take
whose favorite thing can they
take this time? what will it be?
will it be you? happiness? jewelry?
life? love? innocence? gifts? hearts? souls?
fire in our eyes? probably
definitely (what was it?)
go away im busy still
(busy with what?)
remembering watching drinking forgetting
exploding sitting crying
(crying?) i guess i am, no time to
notice no time to care
(he
cared so much, about you)
no its a lie
he's
a lie, not real never true cant be-can
he
? no no never stop keep going next subject
distractions please please (what will it be?)
sex? drugs? music? tv? no no no no no no no
i see
him
in all of that (what
then?) sleep. how can i
sleep when i see the lie
burnt into my lids forever
smiling at me when my eyes close
what do i do?
(take a pill)
(tHere's pills for everything here. and drinks. drink this take this on second
thought, take two) (what was it?)
(here take it there you
go, youll be out before i-)
blackness more
fishpeople brighter buildings higher
colors more pigment (god loves them more)
than me? (what was it?)
no no not here, it almost
doesnt hurt here, down here in this
whatever it is, seeing butterflies with one wing
in love with their other halves
whay are they in love? unfair
(go right, now go straight) why?
(just do it) ok
no! whay are we here?
i cant be here i
need to leave before i
fall to pieces i need
something (what was it?)
ugh shut up! i dont
know
i never knew i dont want to know
it wasnt real i want a drink, a pill
i shouldve never come here why
did i listen to me? what do i know?
(look) no i dont want to (what was it?)
(arent you curIous?) no i know
who, what it will be i dont want
to see that, i couldnt take that
again (look!) no! (what was it?)
constricting my airpipes and heart and
lungs and stomach and everything
close, eyes! no i cant look i wont look
i...i...i give up i wake up
hearing beeps and bustle so loud so white
sterile disgusting hospital? why...?
oh. pills. drink. overdose...
(blink, look around) -wierd. i'm
not hooked up to any machines i'm in
a room on a chair next to a bed where it
beeps (what was it) where am i?
when? (get up, look around again see)
tubes people rushrushrush bed (beep) small
chairs-not comfortable-some red...blood? see
walls (white) doors (big) clean sheets (seafoam green)
see the person under the sheets on the gurney
breathing beeping (what was it? what was it?)
i hear distant voices faraway
sounds asking questions
i cant answer any of them '
he's
lost too much blood.' one voice calls and i look
down into the face of the lie, My lie and i
remember why id go to hell happily as long as
he's
there. im lost in a sea of everything that
doesnt matter, its just me and
him
to give the sea substance and meaning, to make the sun rise, the waves crash, the stars shine, the life live
(what was it? what was it? what was it? whatwasit? whatwasit? whatwasit? whatwasit? what was-)
it was all it ever was, it was
him.