My Haunting Life Present & Past (And Trying To Get My Thoughts Out) Poem by Mindy Brown

Friday, April 4,2008
7: 26 PM


THOUGHTS IN MY MIND:

i dont wanna hear your f@cking excuses, i dont wanna hear how you think your life is so f@cking hard. i dont give a d@mn about you anymore. i dont love you. i hate you. i hate you like i hated you so long ago. i want to die, for in my eyes i see that i have no reason to live anymore. my life disgusts me. because of these ravenous demons that are shadowing my every step, they seem to be daring me to do step over the edge of the abyss of hell. every day when i wake up to the sunshine i pray for salvation from the ghosts of my past, but sincere honesty and love from another human being is hard to find. i am not looking for a god, i am looking for a mere mortal to save me from my hell. the doctors and counselors all leave me wondering if i am just another experiment. i feel like they are calculating my death, so as the hours go by, i think maybe everything i ever was or am is just a dream and that i will wake up to something different and better when the next blissful surise begins.
i hear what everyone says about me as i walk down the whispered hallways, and i feel like screaming about how its not so easy to stay alive when your reality is so lonely and horrible. And dont bother with your petty advice, dont bother with your ridiculous lies about how you believe life is so good and pure, and for that reason i am confident that you have never seen my side of this world. these teachers of mine try to comfort me but in their folly they make me wish i never said anything.
they make sound like living in poverty is so easy, and again i believe that from what they are saying they always had family to fall back on. however, my family is disowned because we told the truth and spoke it loud as to warn the next victims of our generations. i never could lie and look someone in the eyes. so you tell me is a childs innocence worth being alone, poor, and angry? i walk every day of my life covered in shadows for there is much still to be revealed about me.
you can stand there and judge me, but you shall never judge the little family i have left. if you do judge them, you are going to be looking in a whole other perspective of me. when tempted i am like a tiger protecting her cubs from poachers. i will eat you alive and you shall never see daylight again.

P.S. my words of poetry never seem to sound right in the last year. is it because i have lost my ability of expression? i dont know anymore.... anyway this is just thoughts that lead to the poem below

MEANWHILE IN REALITY: (The Poem Part)

my days feel like my nights.
paranoia and nightly horrors follow my every step.
making me want to be invisible from these horrendous beings,

i am forever looking over my shoulder,
just waiting for them to come for me,
and enslave me in the Devil's Fortress of Nightmares.

i am forever calling out for help from these haunting spirits.
i am trying to give myself one last chance to run and hide from my devious demons,
my life is unfair because every step i have taken has been been a to take a chance for the better or worse.

so i swallow my tears yet another day and march forward into the incoming tide,
to face my deepest fears and hope i make it out alive.
maybe oneday i will succeed in reality and not just my dreams.

But i will never know the hope and love that are so tightly clutched in my fingertips.
i will never feel innocent as a lamb as much as i was once upon a time.
i am to forever be tired, lonely, angry, misunderstood and wondering of what terribleness is going to hit me
upside the head next.

So please carry my burdens of sorrow and anger so that i may have a blissful moment of happiness.
Do not let me walk through the rest of my life covered in shadows and soul-breaking tears.
I do want to survive but its just so hard to walk when you feel like the world is on your shoulders.

I have no other acts so please do not think this is all a phase of an attention seeking teen or a multitude of lies.
Whether you strangers believe me or not, I am the D@MNED. I am the FORSAKEN,
I am the FORGOTTEN. I am CURSED to walk in the shadows forever.

I am the person who walks beside you and is never truly seen or heard.
I am a molested child.
I am a relative in jail.
I am a recovering drug addict.
I am your teenaged problem child.
I am a living miracle of survivors of poverty and emotional disabilities.
I am the child in the hospital ward who is demented,
I am always the bullied never the bully.
I am the girl you always see at the library patiently reading a thick book.
I am your B average student.
I am a loser in my mother's eyes, But maybe oneday i won't be one to the world.

Take my advice and lose your drug addiction while you can and try to get over your horrible past and present.
Please be stronger than me, I do not know how much longer i can withstand the tortures of my life,
so please do not end up like me!

Do not be stubborn and swallow your tears in fear of being abused,
Let them shine in their brillance, down your face.

Do not be shy and allow everyone to be cruel to you,
Stand up and shout what your mind is saying!

Do not let anger control your life to the point to where there is no turning back from the grusome bitterness,
Scream to the skies and let it all out!

Just please don't end up like me,
bitter, lonely, and always living on the edges of hell.
I have learned its not the life to live for when you have a brillant mind.
Bye and farewell and DON'T TURN AROUND EVER! JUST RUN TOWARDS LIFE AND HAPPINESS!