Of Welsh Rabbit - It Loveth Tenebrosity Poem by Sidi Mahtrow

(Anonymous,1847, Pseudodoxia Epidemica: Of Welsh Rabbits, A Parody)

The common opinion of the Welsh Rabbit
conceits that it is a species of Cuniculus (habit)
indigenous unto Wales; of which Assertion,
if Prescription of time and Numerosity of assertors (promotion)
were a sufficient Demonstration,
we might sit down herein (with a token)
as an orthodoxial Truth (without dissension,)
nor should there need ulterior Disquisition.

Pliny discourseth of it under the Head of De Animalibus WalliÆ.
Seneca describeth it as an exosseous Animal (that wants to be) ,
or one of the invertebrated or boneless kinde
Claudian saith that it delighteth (for man to find)
to burrow underground in Coal Holes
and Cyder Cellars (not unliken to unseeing moles) .
Scaliger affirmeth it to be like to the HyÆna,
incapable of Domitation or taming, (in the minima)
for the cause that he never heard of one (so much)
(as) being domesticated in a Hutch.

Sarenus Sammonicus determineth it
to be like unto the Salamander, (a tasty bit)
moist in the third degre,
and to have a mucous Humidity
above and under the Epidermis or outer skin,
by virtue whereof it endureth the Fire for a time (within) .
Nor are such conceits
held by Humane authors only (as to how it treats) ,
for the holy Fathers of the Church (in doctrines created)
have likewise similarly opinionated.

Austin declareth it to be an unclean Animal;
insomuch that like to the Polecat it is Graveolent, (terminal)
emitting a strong Murine or Micy Effluvium.
Beda averreth that it is Noctiparent(ium) ,
as the Bat or Owl (of the barne) ,
and seldom quitteth its Warrene
until Midnight, for food; for the reason
being that being Coecigneous, or possessing no organs of Vision,
it loveth Tenebrosity.

All which notwithstanding (able) ,
upon strict inquiry, we find the Matter controvertible.
Diodorus, in his Eleventh Book,
affirmeth the Welsh Rabbit (to a cook)
to be a creature of Figment, (and the flagon)
like unto the Sphinx and Snap-Dragon.
Mathiolus, in his Comment on Dioscorides,
treateth it not as an Animal, (as he please)
but as a Lark.
(For truth we must further embark.)

Sextius, a Physitian, sayeth
that having well digested the matter, (he prayeth)
he was compulsed to reject it;
(By his natural sanatiary habit)
whilest Salmuth the Commentator of Pancirollus,
averreth that one Podocaterus,
a Cyprian, kept one for Months in a Cage,
without ever having attained (knowledge)
(of) the sight of the remotest
Manifestation of Vitality. (blest)

Now, besides Authority against it, Experience
doth in no way confirm the existence
of the Welsh Rabbit
as an Animant Entity (to-wit) .
But, contrariwise, the principles of Sense and Reason
conspire to asseverate it to be, like unto the Myths of Paganism,
an Inanimate Body, vivificated (to the end)
by the Ignoration and Superstitiosity of Men.

For had they but inquired into the Etymon,
or true meaning of the name of the Entity in question,
they would have experienced that it was originally merely a Synonyme
for a British Dainty, or Cymric Scitamentum;
insomuch as it was primitively appellated,
The Welsh Tid, or Rare-Bit; which by elision becoming Metamorphosed
into Ra'bit, (in the colony)
was, from its Homophony,
vulgarly supposed to have respect to the Cuniculus(m)
rather than to the (Wales) Scitamentum.

Againe, the Doctrine of the Existency
of the Welsh Rabbit as a Vivous Entity
doth in nowise accord with the three definitive
Confirmators and Tests of things dubious (narative)
: to wit, Experiment, Analysis, and Synthesis.
(By noted scientist known to Samuel Butler and his miss)
And first by Experiment For if we send to Wales
for one of the Rabbits vernacular to the Prinicpality,
we shall discriminate on the attainment of it,
no Difformity in its Organism
from that of the Cuniculi vulgar
to other Countryies.

And if we then proceed to discoriate
and exossate the Animal thus attained,
or to deprive it of both its Skin and Bones, and
after to macerate the residuary Muscular Fibre
into a papparious Pulp, we shall experience,
upon diffusing the same on an Offula tosta
or thin slice of toast,
that so far from the concoction
partaking in the least of the delectable Sapor
of the Welsh Scitamentum,
it will in no way titillate the lingual PapillÆ;
but, contrariwise, offer inordinate
Offence to the Gust.

And, secondly, by Analysis.
If, in the stead of sending to Wales,
we betake ourselves to any Hostelrie
or place of Coenatory Resort,
vicine to Covent Garden (whereanent they be celebrious
for the concoction of such like Comestibles,
for the Deipnophagi (or eater of Suppers) ,
and thence provide ourselves with one of the Welsh Rarebits or Scitamenta,
whereof we are treating,
we shall discriminate
upon the Dissolution or Discerption of its Part,
that it consisteth not of any Carnal Substance,
but simply of a Superstratum of some flavous
and adipose Edible, which, to the Sense of Vision,
seemeth like unto the Unguent denominated Basilicon,
or the Emplastrum appellated Diachylon;
whilest to the Sense of Olfaction
it beareth an Odour that hath an inviting
Caseous or Cheesy Fragor,
and fulfilleth all the conditions and PrÆdicaments
of caseous matter or Cheese,
which hath undergone the process of Torrefaction;
whereof, indeed,
if we submit a portion to the Test of Gust,
we shall, from the peculiar Sapor
appertinent thereto, without Dubitation
determine it to consist.

And thirdly and lastly, by Synthesis.
If we provide ourselves with about a Selibra
or half pound of the Cheese,
entitulated Duplex Glocestrius,
or Double Gloucester;
and then go on to cut the
intrinsic caseous Matter into tenuous Segments
or LaminÆ; and, positing such Segments
within the coquinary commodity
distinguished by Culinarians
as the Furnus BataviÆ or Dutch Oven,
submit the same to the Fire,
until by the action of the Caloric
they become mollified unto Semiliquidity:
whereupon, if we diffuse the caseous fluid
on an Offula of Bread,
the Superfices whereof hath been previously torrefied,
and then Season the same with a slight aspersion of the Sinapine,
Piperine, and Saline Condiments, or with Mustard, Pepper, and Salt,
we shall find that the Sapor and Fragor
thereof differ in no wise from the Gust and Odour of the Edible
we had prÆ-attained from the Covent Garden Coenatorium;
and consequentially that the Welsh Rabbit is not,
as the Vulgar Pseudodox conceiteth,
a species of Cuniculus vernacular to Wales,
but as was before predicated, simply a Savoury
and Redolent Scitamentum or Rarebit,
which is much existimated by the Cymri or
Welsh people, who, from time prÆtermemorial,
have been cognized as a Philocaseous
or Cheese-loving Nation.


Sir Thomas Browne (1646; 6th ed.,1672) Pseudodoxia, Epidemica. The source of this information is derived from a page maintained at the University of Chicago by James Eason, who welcomes comments, criticism, and suggestions. Anonymous,1847, Pseudodoxia Epidemica: Of Welsh Rabbits, A Parody