Solitude Divinity Poem by Leah Ayliffe

My blood is cooling down
Cool blue
Like the bottom of the ocean
Or the end of a night sky.
Strange how summer days were meant to chase it all away
and in that way it did
destroying the manic highs and lows of what came with lust and hope
tied together
never meant to dance into the heat or the hearts of love
like real lovers do.
Somehow settling down
Into a cold demeanor
Taking me further away from you
Brought me back to myself.
Alone and dreamy
Quite sad, yet mysteriously happy
with a smile of being familiar with the unfamiliar,
a devious smile of the trick I get to play next.
Next round, new game,
A shiny new decoy to get me back on top.
Back to the drawing board of how to dress this bitterness
In candy, in everybody's fantasy.
It hurt, the disappointment in everyone around me.
It hurt, I would have given anything, everything.
Crying is not my style,
Today is the last day these eyes feel the salt tainted water
Fall from their corners.
Today is the last day
My heart, lungs and chest
Tremble with confusion, depression, heartbreak
Over a heartache that was over before it ever began.
My choice of power and control - to break my own heart before anyone else can.
That's my power with my creation,
That's how I am able to stay strong and float above any man, friend or foe,
No one can hurt me when I am already living in half dreams and sad souls
Where I already am who I am without them.
This is art, no?
Staying in a state of sorrow,
Maybe I even caused my own.
Maybe, that's the wrong word.
I caused my own sorrow the moment I let him in,
I am not so foolish
How deep inside I knew it wouldn't end in anything other than my own mind and heart going down in flames.
I feel insane again and it feels like home.
The eruption of emotions falling into one another in a chaotic swirl of heaven and hell
Have been quieted by his, their, silence.
Or perhaps it was their loudness.
Why is everyone so god damn loud with nothing to say,
With fear of anything that is true?
Who are you?
Are you free?
I used to be.
A cool killer of romance and eternity.
Now that I have cut ties inside with the dance of pretty ideas fading
I pray that I can find the path of gold I used to know,
I pray that I can find my way back to freedom,
Solitude divinity.