Anita Khelawan

Bronze Star - 2,620 Points (6th March,1990)

Suicidal Thoughts - Poem by Anita Khelawan

I saw the pain in his eyes
The hurt as he took his last breath and ended his life
My turn has now come
I remembered he wrote rather he die than be alone
I saw the pain in his eyes
Probably that why I jumped and became so terrified
It's my turn now
My eyes swollen and my nose clog
Where's my gun please let me pulled the plug?

How could you allow me to hurt so much?
I am a total failure
I am no longer yours forever
Love makes you do stupid things
I wish I had a love that wants to stay
I wished I was into drugs or some shit just to get faded away
I'm numb but I can still feel the pain
Put me in a mad house I rather be insane
This is it you had enough of me
I'm living in a hopeless dream

I want to hate you
It doesn't matter if you don't have a care for me
What matters now is this pain is for real
It matters whether or not you care for me
Every loving thing I've said to or done for you
Came from realms within
It came from my abyss
A my place where unknown things exist

I partake in self infliction as a form of punishment
Silted wrists emulating I'm bleeding out love
My heartache persist pain why must you not stop
Baby I am sorry
I say it because I want you to love me
I hate love
I hate myself for getting like this
I am ashamed, I am embarrassed
My head is pounding
I feel the chills as my pores raise
I wished they had rose because you said you loved me

I want to hate you so bad
I don't even know if I'm making any sense
I want to hate you
Hate you for all the things you didn't put me through
I keep seeing things that not there
Is it love or are these unseen things that keep me here
You left me and I still can't go
I don't even want to say things out of context
I'm nothing more like a hopeless soul
I don't think I'm settling for a love I think I deserve
You'll love someone who won't love you back is my curse

It's over for good
It's over for good
It's over for good
I keep telling myself
I ain't afraid to move on
I can't because my feelings for you are still strong

As dumb as it may seem I understood why he choose to die
You left me so I'm already dead well at least inside
I saw the pain in his eyes
I'd be better off dead than endure a pain I can't survive

Translation: I just wanted you to love me

BANG! ! ! ! ! I've just committed suicide
I'm still alive just dead inside

I love you.......

Poet's Notes about The Poem

Copyright Anita Khelawan 11/01/2013

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Poem Submitted: Friday, February 15, 2013

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