Terminal Poem by Claudia Krizay

Don’t tell me
I never did
It wasn’t the sky or the stars-
Jut too many moons ago
Not ever after
I tried to find myself
And all you did was to
Take my thoughts into your wretched hands and
As if they were malleable metal
You twisted them as they were like wire
Somewhere lost along the way and
Tossed about in an ice storm-
Life, love and war-
All incompatible as
Rain under fire
Burning in hell’s incinerator as
I would take children and
Cut them into tiny pieces and
Grind them up in my broken down
Garbage disposal-
Too dysfunctional was
My lifestyle, lost memories of the not too
Faraway past and the
Never ending battle that rages in the
Firing zone in the back of my mind,
Lest everywhere I look all I can see
Is more mistrust of the people who live in this
Crazy mixed up world,
Somewhere along the way
I lost myself
Only yesterday, I believe
I had found myself
On that pathway out of the confusion,
So I thought at least,
But even hours later than the event
I find myself
Tearing my heart out,
Wanting to injure myself and
Everyone else- so
Please don’t tell me that
I never did-
I never meant to
Harm anyone not even myself and
Now that the stars are falling and the moon
Is hidden behind a mass of fog, clouds and billows of smoke
Coming out of nowhere-
I never did,
I only told them that I had,
Too many moons ago and
Now I am counting the stars
One by one as they fall
Upon the rood of time and
I cannot capture any given moment
Only because this world has
Been none but a liar to me-
So set fire to your soul in hell’s incinerator-
That is where every one belongs-
Except for myself-
I did nothing wrong and
God is certainly not infallible although
So many believe-
I never did-
I only told them,
It was all a lie
A misfortune, and a
Fallen star,
Coming out of nowhere and
Damned to an afterlife that
Is not attuned to the reality of a prayer or
Death by fate of a
Never ending incurable disease- although-
Self-harm is the only way out of this turmoil-
Loudening thoughts in my head have ordered me to
Find relief in a knife to my wrist and
They told me that I never did but
I will as
I count each star only after
Time has
Fallen…