The Ballad Of The Rhyming Man (He Makes A Rhyme Whenever He Can) Poem by H E Alexander

Now come close and listen to my story, so sad,
it started when I was but a wee lad.
One day in Assembly announces the Head,
"A competition's what we need, so sharpen your lead.
A prize we'll have for the best-written verse,
perhaps it should be a ten-shilling purse
or even a token to buy a new book,
tickets for the Cinema to have a good look
at the latest film releases fresh from Hollywood.
That sounds to me like it would be jolly good.
So go away now and use your brain cells,
finished by Friday please, before last bells.
"Oh and lad, " he said, pointing at me,
"don't bother ‘coz you're dim, can't you see."

Now this incensed me more than you'll know
and I decided that home I would go.
I worked in my room all day and all night
and then the next day, till I needed a bite.
After lunch I would go right back to my work,
not one minute or second that week did I shirk.
I finished it off before school Friday morn
and ran down the road through such a bad storm.
I presented my masterpiece to teacher with pride
(Who was rather cute, just as an aside) .
She put it right there at the top of the pile,
saying, "Yes very good, I quite like your style."
Well, the Judges would, by Monday decide
who will be the winner (if it isn't tied) .

So all the weekend at home would I wait,
I left everything that was served up on my plate;
I'm sure that I lost at least half a stone,
by Monday I was just all skin and bone.
In fact our dog thought his birthday had come
and I had to quickly down the street run.
The anticipation was awful when I got to school,
in fact I left beneath me a great big sweat pool,
until the time then had finally arrived:
"Congratulations to all of you who have strived.
And the winner is, much to our pride and joy,
him over there, yes, that little boy."
I couldn't believe it; I jumped up with glee,
there was the Head, he was pointing at me!

I stood up so tall, to thunderous applause,
made my way to the front across all the wood floors,
then I realised, "Oh no, they're all laughing out loud"
and I felt so embarrassed in front of the crowd.
Head hadn't been pointing at me after all,
but another boy standing at the back of the hall.
I ran from the school, ne'er to return
and went to another place for so to learn.
But from then on I was left with a problem in speech:
tutors came around for the English they'd teach.
They called in the Doctor, who sent me to bed,
then left all confused, scratching his head.
But alas, there was no cure for this ailment of mine
'coz everything that I said just turned into rhyme!

This problem followed me through my school days,
at one school it started quite a new craze!
Three schools decided they would expel me
because they thought that I was just taking the pee!
In my exams I managed not even one pass,
so naturally I finished last in the class.
Then off I went into the big wide world
into the deep end I found myself hurled.
My boss at the swimming pool gave me the sack,
because he thought I was answering him back!
Then after that every job where I went,
"Get out" they said, and home I was sent.
Because they all thought that I had some cheek,
not one job did I last for more than one week!

So I settled down to live a life on the dole,
which isn't too good for a proud man's soul.
Then one sunny day, much to my great surprise,
I met a sweet girl with the loveliest eyes.
I asked her in good time if she'd be my wife
and she consented to be my partner for life,
but we never actually got married at all,
the vicar refused hearing my rhyming drawl.
He thought that I was taking the mick out of him,
so we decided it was best if we lived life in sin.
Then on the birth of our first precious child,
the midwife, poor lady, she went almost wild,
for when she said to my wife, "Please take big breaths, "
I inadvertently made reference to her very large chest!

My wife, after this, said that she'd just had enough
of my big rhyming problem and all of that stuff!
She said, "get it sorted out or the next course
would be at the Family Courts for a divorce! "
That is, if we'd been married, but truly we were not,
but anyway, she'd take me for all that I've got!
So I sought out a specialist in the speech field
and instead found a Witch Doctor, close to North Weald.
He said he only had one cure, but I could try it
and from then on I was put on a very strict diet
of oranges, nothing else would I be allowed,
because no word rhymes with it, when said... noisily.
My affliction had gone, at least had the worse:
I can say anything now without turning to... poetry!

One day we went out to buy my wife a new blouse,
off to the town we went, after leaving our... home.
In one shop an assistant said she'd give us a hand,
showed us many blouses, some fancy, some... dull.
She showed us some white ones, some green, some blue,
and some that were of quite a different… shade.
She said, "I've got some in our new In-store range,
there's a beautiful one in a nice bright orange, "
Oh no, what's happened, what's just occurred?
She found a rhyme for that damned orange word!
She'd broken the spell, which had stopped me rhyming,
now far up the wall I found my poor self climbing.
It didn't matter how much I tried or rehearsed,
every sentence I made again turned to verse!

So now I'm an old man, nearing my time,
my life has been spent making everything rhyme!
My wife and kids left me, some long years ago,
they could not put up with my rhyming, and so,
I've spent these last twenty years on my own,
but then it's hard to make up verse when alone
and I know that this is no way to behave,
but I've written the epitaph to put on my grave,
"Here lies a man beneath this earthen bed,
who made a rhyme out of everything he said.
He'll probably find he's better off in hell,
'coz heaven don't rhyme good with anything well, "
Thanks for the use of your ears, my good friend,
that's it I'm afraid, all done, that's the end.