Ace Of Black Hearts
Homa Lousiana
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The Dragon Never Sleeps For Long

I don't want to be famous.
I don't want my moment in the spot light
I just want to change the world.
Leave a mark that helps not hurts.
Sometimes I don't know why.
Filling the emptiness inside.
With something that sustains.
Saying yeah I did that.
Without direction or purpose.
Gods little mystery gifts.
He put me in this constant state so I would have a constant fuel to burn.
But I wish sometimes it wasn't there.
It could have gone to someone so much better.
I'm still trying to paint with crayons.
And nobody seems to understand it's a compulsion.
I couldn't stop even I wanted to.
So sometimes I wish someone with real talent would be willing to teach me.
Show me how to make it even better.
Creating monuments with single letters.
Escaping the dungeon of my very self made castle.
Stepping off that pestal as only I could.
Dropping too my knees and saying please make it stop.
Can't you see this has never been what I want.
But with a gun raised and shot through my heart stuck on repeat.
These emotional outbursts won't just go away.
Not without talking about it.
So here I am, writing my one and only therapist again.
Trying to decipher a puzzle with so many pieces.
We're going make it 3d this time.
It makes it feel so much more alive.
Not sure it brings any better of an understanding.
I guess it's the human condition.
Maybe it's how fragile it is.
But something screams from inside.
And it has been since the first day I can remember.
Like you better do something, or you will die.
Like you better speak or the pain will not subside.
A burning candle still sits on the window seal.
And it's only got stronger over the years.
Maybe it's my pride.
Nobody has the cure, I've searched the entire world for a way quell the anguish.
Just give me one silent day.
Where my mind doesn't go to war with my heart.
Finding pleasure when I feel like I'm about to lose my mind.
Accidentally discovering likes and dislikes even to this very day.
This world still feels as new and as strange as the day I entered it.
Entertaining the idea I still know absolutely nothing.
Totally ignorant to what most people take for granted in there everyday lives.
Yes I'm functional but just barely.
It's like I'm so focused on the breathing in the scuba gear, that I forget sometimes I'm so deep underwater.
And I forget their are limits on the pressure the body can sustain.
Now that is both literal and metaphorically mental.
Playing a game self repair, where every time one wound is sealed.
Another one start bleeding out.
Once the clock starts.
How long do I got this time?
And yet I'm told over and over again this is perfectly normal.
For my whole body to shake when the fear overwhelms.
To have sudden inappropriate outbursts when I'm become so excited in the middle of a random grocery store.
No perticular reason other then a thought enter my head.
Having whole conversation with myself on a daily basis.
It get so bad I start talking in the third person.
I get so embarrassed when a friend, co-workers, or family hears me.
I know what there thinking he's not normal.
One nut definitely loose on that guy.
And they are probably right.
Always drifting off when I should be paying attention such as driving.
Near got in to multiple accidents that way.
Where I go, and why I don't really know.
Little blackout moments as I call them 5 secs to 20 secs there.
Never thought it mattered much in the larger scheme of things.
But never know maybe it does, so better to put it down on paper.
I always feel like I can feel every single emotion coming off anyone I come in contact with not from there words spoken, but more of there tone of voice, looks perceived, and body language.
It's feels like almost everyone I know is lying to me constantly.
I always ignore these feelings as paranoid somewhat delusional.
So again I ask god, why bless me, why curse me.
A forced repitition.
Wish it felt that way.
I could deal with faking it.
It would be so much easier.
Because there would be nothing feel.
No escape needed, no demons that need slaying.
The dragon gets angry when I don't put her to sleep with the words I keep.

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4/22/2021 6:47:24 AM #