The Last Rites Poem by Mona Adviento

I have brought this upon myself.
This infernal anguish that crushes my soul into the depths of despair
My sanity is banished into the winds and the tides of fate have swept me aside like a leaf.
Once again I find myself in this pit into which I knowingly cast myself
Yet the rope is now a thread that proves useless and weak.
I have jumped into my death and am cursed to lie in the fires of my own schemes.
assuming mortal am I, who have done her own designs on the future.
So fate has slashed it into bloody shreds and has left turmoil in its wake.
Under the calmness of this exterior, my body rages and explodes at the cruelty of my destiny.
Empty my heart of its blood and render it useless for I do not want to burn like this again.
My reason has fled and I am reduced to this weak, miserable and loathsome woman.
A shadow of the portrait I have tired myself to be.
I am a romantic and seem to be destined to be wrung out in crystal tears and anguished cries.
I seem too gullible, so bereft of pride, so wanting in affirmation.
I am numb. My eyes are overused from the passage of my crystals.
Spare me this misery. It is not what I have wished to break me.
Though I claim to revel in the pain that washes over my body with every sob that wracks it, I am in mortal peril of insanity for I can only take so much beating to my inner senses.
I lament over this breaking. Because I know, despite what I say, I will never be whole again.
My world has turned against me and I am but a fool waiting to be fooled again.
No more. If this will be the end of every story, then I retire my part and will myself to fade into the shadows of obscurity.
I am suffering. I am in pain. I am in anguish, I am desolate, I am desperate, I am broken, I am not me.
The rope is now a noose. It is a curse for being the eternal optimist. It is the mask of romantic fools.
I am left once again at the edge of reason. Lamenting. overflowing with pain.
It is my destiny.
I shall struggle no more.

8/17/2005
11: 53 pm