The Man Who Would Take Down Shakespeare Poem by David Welch

I know this guy, he's a writer
or at least he claims to be.
We went to the same college
where he was introduced to me.
I told him I wanted to teach
about writers of recent years.
He just smiled and said that he
"Was taking down Shakespeare."

I thought the man a nutjob,
and I still think that today.
I grant the he does write a lot,
but is rarely ever paid.
The arrogance of it all
really pushes much too far,
to think that a crazy recluse
could ever displace the bard!

First of all, when writing
he is far too fond of jokes.
And several of his novels
feature expositing ghosts!
Then there is his penchant
for throwing in a couple of fools,
who often find themselves the butt
of treatment rather cruel.

And he's farther fond of using
characters misidentified.
When it comes to endings
too often his heroes die!
When he's looking for a niche,
for a genre he can ride,
he never seems to pick one out,
he's jumping around all the time!

When it comes to his poetry
the less that's said the better.
He seems to have a love affair
with old iambic pentameter.
One moment he is serious,
then tries his hand at comedy.
In two stanzas he will gladly go
from funny quips to tragedy.

I really do pity the man,
obsessed with this foolish quest.
I think he should put down the pen,
and find a new interest.
It's sad to see him fantasize,
to see that he lacks the gifts,
the man who would take down Shakespeare,
just cracked the best-seller list—

Wait, what? !
That guy wrote a best-seller?
Seriously? Him?
Son of a....