The Mini Ballad Of Halfie Pepys (Abridged) Poem by H E Alexander

When Halfie Pepys was but a wee boy,
he wondered what he'd be when too big for his toys,
(though really "too big" he would never be,
for he would grow no taller than four foot three!)

Could he be a footballer, he once thought,
even if it were of the tabletop sort!
Or perhaps he could sit behind someone's home,
spending his life in the garden, fishing like a gnome!

Maybe he could, like a small friend of his
get himself engaged in some sort of show biz,
an Umpa Lumpa part would suit him so well,
but would he be tall enough, he couldn't yet tell!

As a last resort, he could well get accustomed 
to marrying an exec and being a house-husband!
He'd go out each day to buy some good food,
then he'd dust and polish and vacuum-in the nude!

Make a life plan, he thought, going forwards,
he could build a home underneath the floorboards,
but what on Earth could there be any more sorrower
than of his becoming a diminutive borrower!

Not wanting her son to be a sub-floorboard dweller,  
Halfie's mummy took him to see a fortune teller,
and just what did she see in her crystal ball:
An F1 driver, winning, despite being so small?

Sadly, I'm afraid this was not the true case,
between foot and pedal there'd be too much space!
No, no matter whether east or west of the meridian,  
the future for him lay as one of Ken Dodd's Diddymen!