Today My Problems Seem To Control Me Poem by mona martinez

i don't really know how i'm feeling,
i guess i feel alittle numb,
i don't really care if i feel anything,
i feel like if i do feel,
things will come up,
that will be sooo hard to handle,
i don't really want that right now,
i don't need that,
everyday i wish i had normal problems,
i wonder if that boy liked me,
i wonder if i will get a A on a test,
what should i wear tomorrow?
these little things that seem soo big to others,
seem so little to me,
i'm more concerned about,
will my actions i choose today,
bring flashbacks to come flooding back?
will all of these worries,
just bring me to not even give it a try,
will i continue to fall down a hole,
that have no way out,
at times i think i over think alot,
but over thinking makes me feel safe,
if i were to jump,
i need a safety net to catch me,
it just how i been,
i require more safety than most,
but i believe it has to do with my past,
i didn't have that protection,
during a certain time in my childhood,
becuz of that,
i believe just the little things can hurt,
i was lied to, betrayed, and lost a part of myself,
it no wonder i have days,
where i just don't want to feel,
all i want to do is hide,
hide from the hurt,
hide from my triggers that bring these unwanted feelings,
who would want to live in a world of pain?
not me, but tomorrow i feel i have to put on a brave face,
walk in a world pretending to be living,
it's a hard mask to put on,
but i feel it what the world want to see.