Wednesday, May 24, 2006
I swear I feel like I never get caught up on anything. There's a dark cloud forming in the distance and it's moving forward towards me slowly...moving to sweep me up in it, lost and drifting.
So much left to do before it consumes my life and yet not enough time. Never enough time. I feel like I'm surrounded by thousands of clocks tick, tick, tick, tick till I just want to scream STOP! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
But I know time stops for no one, nor will it slow down and so I keep on rushing and rushing so that I don't drown. So much to do, so little time. There's a storm brewing, God, and I need you to send a sign. Let me know that I can make it Lord...let me know that I'll be fine.
I've been told you wont give me more than I can handle but here lately, I admit, I'm very guilty of really doubting it. Yet another day has brought me to my knees looking for some guidance in times as hard as these. So here I am once again, trying to catch my breath. Hoping I can make it work, facing the ultimate test.
Where will this new path lead me? What if I get lost? There must be something that can keep me from always wandering off. I get so tired of playing martyr to people who wont let me. Yet I keep coming back here, where people can't accept me.
I wake up every day and wonder who I will be. Yeah, I give the people what they want...well everyone but me. I know that sounds like an awful way to live but that's what martyrs do, they give and give and give...how else would I live? It's the only way I know how to.
I'm a daughter, a mother, a friend and a wife. My job has always been to please the people in my life. So off I go again to rush and rush some more. You know what it is I need from you. The same things as before.
Please give me strength and guidance, comfort, hope and peace. Make a diverted path that leads me back to where I need to be. That's really all I could ask for, in times as hard as these.