Why Am I Crying? Poem by Arun Maji

I open my window, and you are there in cloud again.
You stare at me,
o my love, o my pain, you stare at me again.

Why you hunt me? Why?
If you are gone, stay gone. stay gone for ever.
Why you hunt me in dream?
Why you hunt me in wakefulness?

I wish, I was dead!
I really wish, I was dead and buried, alone, all alone.
Yes, alone, without your trace, without your presence.
But, I am not dead.
Sin of losing you, can not be death.
Death is too good a reward, for my sin.

See, how empty is my existence! How poor is my soul!
How heartless is my heart!
O poor me, you can not keep your love in your embrace!
You can not keep your heart in your heart!

See, snow falls on street, and street is wet.
Your memory falls on my soul, and my soul is wet.
Your smile falls on my dream, and my dream is wet.
Am I crying? Why?
Why should I cry, when I want to forget you?
Yes my love, I want to forget you.
Tell me, why should not I?
I do not love you. In fact, I never loved you. Never.

It's just that, we happened to meet long ago.
We then lived together, smiled together, danced together.
May be, then, our embraced lasted too long, our kiss lasted too long,
our wet eyes lasted too long, our shiver and moan lasted too long.
You cherished my embrace, I savoured your tenderness.
That's all. Nothing else. Nothing deeper than that.
And that is while back.
Don't you think, a month is enough to erase those memories?

I should be dead. Yes, I should be. I have to be.
But I am not dead yet.
Though I am dying painfully, perpetually.
A little by little, a drop by drop, a piece by piece.
My lips are drying, throat is stiffening,
soul is fading, heart is skipping.
I wish I die now. I wish I die fast.

But sin of losing you can not be rewarded with a fast death.
Fast death is too peaceful, too healing, too kind.
A man who loses you, can never be shown that mercy.
A man as sinful as I,
should die painfully, perpetually, eternally.
A man as insensitive as I,
should be thrown into hell, and be damned for ever.

See, it's you, I am thinking about.
It's you, who has shadowed my existence.
Am I crying? Why? Why am I crying?
If I am so cruel, so sinful, then why am I crying?
But I know, how to stop it. It's easy. Easy as pie.
Here is my cigarette.
I would have a puff, and you are gone. Gone forever.
Smoke of this cigarette will erase you,
Nicotine of this cigarette will poison my brain,
and erase all your memory. All.

But, why it's wet?
Why my cigarette, should be wet in your memory?
Tell me, tell me o my lost love,
why should I shed tears in your memory?


© Arun Maji
Painting: JW Godward