Why Do I Do These Things I Do? Poem by beautiful imperfection

Why do I do these things I do?
Why am I so quick to hide
everything I think or feel,
and lock it all inside?
Why do I always respond
in all the wrong ways?
Why do I always turn quickly
from every kind gaze?
Why do I let
all my past hurts and fears
control my life
and bring me to tears?
Why can't I put my trust
in someone who really cares?
Why do I run
from anyone who dares
to give me a helping hand
or a small word of advice?
The chance of getting hurt
must be a major price.
Why do I start to trust someone
only to be hurt again,
then pull myself back in my bubble,
not letting anyone in?
Why do I lose trust
in everyone around me
when it's only one or two people
who have caused that hurt to be?
Why can't I open up,
and let them all in?
Why can't I move on,
and forget my past sins?
Why can't I tell them everything,
everything I hold inside?
What was it that made
my trust for them die?
Nothing, it was nothing they did.
But something someone else did a very long time ago.
Yet I hold it against all of them.
All who decide to come or go.
That's not fair to them.
And it's not fair to me.
I'm depriving myself of friends,
I'm depriving them of me.
I need to overcome this fear
and let some people in,
give them time to build up trust
and fill this hole again.
For this hole is here because of him.
They had nothing to do with it.
And it's not fair for me to distance myself from them,
keeping my soul unlit.
So I'm going to make an effort
to open up again,
I'm going to smile when I'm happy, and cry when I'm sad,
I'm going to be real, ignoring how hard it's already been.
I'm going to tell them
my secrets and fears,
build our friendships up,
and no longer hide my tears.
I'm going to be real
instead of a selfish fake,
I'm going to put my heart out there again
and not run away when my trust is what they break.
I'm going to stop blaming others
for something they didn't do,
I'm going to make the effort
to be brand new.
My broken heart is healing,
so this step I do fear,
but hiding myself away,
has only brought me here,
wondering what's my purpose in life,
wondering who I'll turn out to be,
wondering why I'm so afraid
to truly discover me.
I'm sick of hiding
behind this hopeless facade
of a thousand masks, and a thousand smiles,
and letting myself fade.
So I'm going to make a difference
and change the way I think,
instead of turning to other ways,
like spilling some red in the sink.
I understand this may take time,
but time is all I've got,
I've finally come to realize
that trust can not be bought.
It can not be held on to
in a tiny heart-shaped box,
and it can disappear,
as quick as a fox.
But this is no reason to run,
this is no reason to hide,
instead I need to turn to those
in whom I can confide.
I'm going to stop running.
I'm going to face my fears,
even if it takes
a million zillion years.