Rita El Khoury
A Dream To Revive, A Pain To Kill - Poem by Rita El Khoury
No more words to speak
No more eyes to seek...
I am once again on my own
Facing this desert of stone
There's only me and my shadow
Lying, deserted, on this pillow.
No more tears to drop
No more fears to stop...
How can I ever smile again?
I am failing to cry, again
And I am a prey of this grief
It's that dream, but it was brief.
I woke up just to realize
The friend I used to idolize
Was just present in my dream
Realities are not what they seem.
I saw her, during my sleep
With her blue eyes, so deep
It was like living a fairytale:
A happiness that couldn't fail.
This would never happen for real,
She's away and the pain won't heal.
Three empty years have now gone by
Since she definitely took her wings to fly.
To Dubai, they told me, she went
Oh, please, can I have a heart for rent?
Because this one suffered enough
It can no longer take an ache so rough.
For three years, the pain stayed the same
While waiting for some news that never came.
All that is left is her photo standing on the sand,
A paper with two words written by her hand
And the vision of her smile, in a dream
That comes back, once in a while, to make me deem.
I have just woke up from one of these
That friendship was a cure, it became a disease.
I can still remember the look in her eyes
On the last hours, the day of the demise,
I guess she already knew it was the end
Of a non-beginned story left to mend,
But still, she was sad, like me
And like a true friend would be.
Don’t try to ask me who she were
I truly ignore everything about her,
I’d like to think she’s the person I never knew,
The one who always had something new,
She could have become a friend for eternity
Or a simple passenger in my life, like an infinity.
She could have been all or nothing at all
To my abandoned heart ready to fall.
I never got the chance to live and see
We’re now separated by lands and sea.
That dream gave life once more
To the sorrow sleeping in my core.
I repeated to myself the memories left,
Some visions taken, like in a theft:
She was with this woman I used to despise
Which made the hate inside me rise
She also had a boy: did she get married?
This question, on my lips, will be buried.
The boy's shirt was colored in amber,
These were the only things I could remember.
Then I asked myself Why
Why couldn't I ever cry?
Wasn't the separation time so long?
Or wasn't the pain really strong?
And why, why did my feeling's echo stay inside?
Was I shy? Was that my weakness or my pride?
Why didn't I tell her she was the friend,
The dearest friend that God offered to send?
Why didn't I say she was the light
Shone in days that weren't so bright?
Why did I seal my lips to my sentiments?
Now, I have to regret all those moments...
Maybe, we never had the courage to use the words
To talk about some feelings, bigger than the worlds,
Maybe we left it all, imprisoned in a hole
Without revealing the truth of our soul,
Maybe we didn't do whatever it takes
Or we fell into some unexpected mistakes,
Maybe it was 'me', maybe it was 'she'
Maybe it was 'none', maybe it was 'we',
And maybe her care was just an illusion
That I invented to accept the deception.
‘Maybe’s are so many and ‘for sure’s are a few
But the ‘I should have’s are standing in queue.
I thought praying would ease the pain
I pray, every night, but I never gain.
I thought I must see her, one day
But the ‘I must’ is turning to an ‘I may’.
I thought the suffering will be erased
With the passing minutes, hours and days
I admit it, this time, I was wrong
To her memory, forever, I belong.
To Joyce, Glow of the Dark
In my heart, lies your mark!
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