A Limerick Collection (26)

Rating: 2.8

An aging, cantankerous Jew
thought the blood in his body was blue.
Said his Aryan friend
'it's most likely a blend,
diagnosing is something I do.'

But the Jew was not really impressed
as he knew that all Jews had been blessed,
so he said 'Diagnosis
is like apoptosis'
and he slyly suggested a test.

At the doctor's they quickly were led
to the blood lab where both men were bled.
After seventeen pints
it was clearly a Heinz,
fifty-seven, but thoroughly red.


A female and young cockatiel
had just finished her evening meal.
When an image occurred
of a masculine bird
who had feathers and sexual appeal.


In a cage at Saskatchewan Zoo
lived a cranky old cockatoo,
he was talking all day
and had something to say
to the resident kangaroo.
When his patient came down with trichines
he imbibed a large meal of brown beans.
During late hour shopping
when the worms kept on dropping
he did crush them to smithereens.
When Tusnelda had appendicitis,
German measles and encephalitis,
they postponed the procedure
and soon needed a preacher
as her surgeon had conjunctivitis.
There was an old granny named Flo
she came down with gangrene on her toe,
so she went to the dentist
who was known as adventist
and he said 'it's a tooth for a toe.'
When they gave her the grave diagnosis
fulminating haemochromatosis,
she said 'life is a bummer,
I'm way past my last summer
but my boobies do suffer from ptosis.'
When the specialist checked out his heart
he got nervous and let out a fart.
Said the cardiac nurse
'you don't need to rehearse,
but the sound was a true piece of art.'
He was scheduled to get a new kidney,
though he tried to obtain one from Whitney,
fifty million car parts
but no kidneys or hearts,
so he got his new kidney in Sydney.
'You will start taking LIPITOR',
said the Doc. Asked the patient 'what for? '
'If it gets to your ticker
you'll get sicker and sicker,
it's that bloody cholesterol whore.'
Any doctor today must have stealth,
as he deals with his patients' ill health.
Let me tell you, my friend
what goes on in the end,
it's a state-sanctioned transfer of wealth.
And the funeral was quite perverse,
they had painted brassieres on the hearse.
When he was in the ground
you could hear a small sound,
not a prayer but maybe a curse.
A professor, quite brilliant but odd
loved the nightlife, the dirty old sod.
In the day he was thinking
and at night he was drinking.
In between he would pray to his God.
There once was a maître d'
who had hurt during prayer his knee.
When no doctor could cure it
he was forced to endure it.
Now he's using the other knee.
There was a young butcher in Fife
who was stuck with a disloyal wife.
While he cut up the meat
she would go off and cheat,
there was truly no pleasure in life.

So, one day he had caught her in bed
with the preacher who'd said 'I thee wed',
since he couldn't convince them
he chopped up and then minced them.
And the two have since then been quite dead.
Two bacilli, one blue and one green
were complaining that humans were mean,
they were losing their stuffing
and were huffing and puffing,
it was hexameth-tetramine.
Some would say that as humans do age
that they will not so often engage
in enjoyment of sex
which is just a reflex,
as the world is a sticky-beak stage.
When, in Vienna, Doc Sigmund Freud
who at that time was duly employed
by the town of whipped cream,
he would take out your dream,
leave behind super-ego and void.
Robert Koch had a fine microscope
which identified critters and dope,
when he placed his small sparrow
on the slide (which was narrow)
he decided there could be no hope.
Konrad Roentgen invented the rays
that could see all the body's weird ways.
When he looked at his spouse
through her wide-open blouse
he was sure that curiosity pays.
There once was a Peter named Paul.
They were seen hanging out in the Mall.
They had dinner for one
on a hamburger bun.
Peter burped but it really was Paul
At forty a man's presbyopic,
not far-sighted or merely myopic.
If to you it seems odd
it was gracious of God
since so many things are microscopic.
A dentist's assistant named Jule
saw a blister appear on his tool.
Said the dentist 'don't fret
it's the girl that you met
from the Queensland Venereal School.'

Mary Nagy 25 February 2006

Oh my gosh! I can't help but wonder if you tell your patients that you write poetry...I can't imagine reading poems like this from my doctor! I don't know that I could keep a straight face if I had to go see him. These are very funny Herbert. Sincerely, Mary

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Sylvia Spencer 23 February 2006

Well Herbert only you can do these so perfect, brilliant cheers Sylvie

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