Barrel Of A Forty Five Poem by J M. Basey

As I sit silently on my bed,
Staring through the glass,
I wish I was dead,
I stare further on through the rain,
Realising that there's no future for me,
I still experience never-ending pain,
If only you were to know,
That my smile is just for show,

All I want to do,
Is to end this now,
And finally seeing it through,
I see the burnt ashes of a past life,
As I stare through the mist of a crystal ball,
This makes me want to slit my wrists with a knife.

As I sit peacefully on my bed,
I might as well throw my life away,
‘Cos suicidal imagery is running through my head,
But something is making me stay,
In my petrified dreams,
My sadness screams,
Most of the time,
I envisage my funeral,
And people around me say that I'm fine,

I'm staring down the barrel of a forty five,
Considering the prospects of a spiritual life,
Right over on the other side
I'm still staring down the barrel of a forty five,
‘Cos there's absolutely nothing I can do,
To see this through,

Yeah, life may have its flaws,
Well mine has finally ran its course,
You see my life has got to be cursed,
And the only way I can leave this place,
Is in a hearse,

You see I've already gone for that ride,
Without ever saying goodbye,
Two years ago it was my second attempt at committing suicide,
It's definitely nothing to boost,
But when my mood is low,
I still ask myself,
The same question over and over again,
What suicide techniques do I like the most?

So I'm still…

… Staring down the barrel of a forty five,
Considering the prospects of a spiritual life,
Right over on the other side
I'm still staring down the barrel of a forty five,
‘Cos there's absolutely nothing I can do,
To see this through,

At the end of the day,
I'm still quietly sat on my bed,
Or in the same boat,
As many other people,
Who think they haven't got any hope,
So they hang themselves with a rope,
Or overdosing themselves with some dope,

So as you lie in your bed asleep,
And this song creeps into your dreams,
You are suddenly awoken,
Life is a one off gift,
Which we all must treasure,
Its unique pleasures,
Sadly for me life has to be broken.

As I'm still sat crying on my bed,
I continuously stare out of the window,
And still my smile is just for show,
I fix my gaze on the pounding rain,
That reminds me of the pain,
I still have to go through,
I've still debts that are still due,
I just go through with it,
‘Cos I haven't nothing to loose,

So my tearful eyes are...

…Still staring down the barrel of a forty five,
Considering the prospects of a spiritual life,
Right over on the other side
I'm still staring down the barrel of a forty five,
‘Cos there's absolutely nothing I can do,
To see this through,

I've stared down the barrel of a forty five,
I've found my way to the spiritual life,
I'm finally over on the other side
No longer am I staring down the barrel of a forty five,
‘Cos there's absolutely nothing I can do,
‘Cos now I'm…gone.

By Jay Basey © 2005