Being Reminded That I Am As Messed Up As I Feel Poem by mona martinez

it's easy to pretend to be something you not,
or at least it is for me,
when ppl don't like who i am,
i change what they don't like,
i loose myself completely at times,
but when it seems like they don't like,
something about me,
it's hard to take,
at times i feel like a mistake,
i can't reject my past,
no matter how bad i want to,
it's apart of me in more ways than i realize,
i'm not normal,
i never feel normal,
no matter how hard i try,
i feel broken,
like i will never be what ppl want me to be,
i know they want what's best for me,
but i will never be that person,
person who enjoys herself,
without the pain,
pain is a reminder of a childhood i lost,
it's a reminder that i didn't have a choice,
everything was chosen for me,
and yet it feels the same,
i feel some ppl can't trust my decisions,
i'm not perfect i'm going to make mistakes,
even if i make them and get hurt,
just be there to lift me up,
not to bring me down,
it all feels like the past,
when i mess up,
saying 'i told you so'
only makes me cruel up in a ball and hide,
it's what i know,
when there was nobody around,
to tell me it will be ok,
tell me it wasn't my fault,
that i have every right to be angry,
i didn't deserve it,
i want to be remined that,
i'm everything my abuser told me i will never be,
that i'm better than sex,
that i deserve to be happy,
that i do have choices,
most times i would rather hide,
than to feel anything my abuser put me through,
some days it rough cuz it all i can think about,
i have no choice,
sometimes it like a switch,
that i can't control,
things are only setting me off easy,
cuz i'm choosing to feel,
i'm not trying to back down from it,
i don't want to be numb,
and pretend like everything fine,
when it really not,
but i do it without realizing it,
without taking time to think of how i'm feeling,
i feel there's something wrong,
but i ignore the signs,
cuz i feel weak,
i feel like it should be something,
i should be able to handle by now,
not struggling with it most of the day,
i do anything to just be free,
it was the reason i turned to cutting in the past,
i felt free in my own way,
when i felt the most trapped,
nobody to judge me,
just me and the blade agaist my skin,
reminding me that i'm just as messed up,
as i feel on the inside.