Celluloid Baptism Poem by Julia Luber

This one I waited for all day and night, and actually looked
forward to too. So many moods, opinions, realizations, truths
flooding through my mind gently and nicely stated, like a waterfall:
embellished language, enable me to any suave chivalrous deceit.
Thus spoken here, at this point it's no different from a coat of arms.
Delicately traduced from history- telling a story with iconic simplicity
and symbol. This is your celluloid baptism, Julia Luber, and boy, do you
ever need one. Holy spirit aches to cleanse your soul and separate your
overzealous brain from stupid and humiliating attachments. There is no
reason for you to notice that! Why are you wasting your time on what other
people think of as their secrets which go nowhere, do nothing for you, and
worst of all are consequences of a hypnosis they show not tribute nor homage
to. Of course they don't. As they are not spelunkers who can see and go that
deeply into caves, the underground, places where nobody has ever really been
before. And perhaps they can simply feel your anguish and despondency, your
alienation and question from ever going there at all.
Why did you need to? What was the umbrella "dominatrix" overseeing that degenerate
collapse? Who needed you to sink that low, go so under, become pure suffocation of
things you put behind you knowing these were experiential memories that really no
other understands…..would you ever even expect them to? Let's stand back. From all
of this.
Baptism is supposed to be mystical and a force of release and restitution.
And your problem is that you keep being cornered into something worse than
what you started with, which was disastrous in the first place. Shame how a-emotional
and mechanical they are! Isn't it? Like a shrimp cocktail composed of bad acting
only zombies might imply for a moment here or there that they were right for.
By the way, you never will tell them about that. You never will. For one,
they would not believe you and they would imply that you were making
things up because you are crazy. And you know how nothing infuriates you
more than that. People who interpret what you tell them in that easy way
for themselves which shows no respect for you would only make you feel
bad about telling them; would NEVER comprehend why you take it so personally
and why it bothers you so intensely. Would never understand the shelled out state
your brain exists in like a lobotomized goat sacrificed at some alter to a very
difficult and Biblical God: nothing left of you….VOID: deliver unto the disbelievers
in that shelled out state and let them get a draft of the post traumatic stress
syndrome from merely the persecutions of somebody so many people like and
find to be such a jolly and good time friend. That's part of the ceremony that
will ultimately stand for the end ofyour life. And everything does these days,
in one way or another.
What you haven't really sunk your teeth into is a Celluloid Baptism that is long over due.
Someday people will come from far away to get one of these. And you can find some
hush money for now controlling you into promising that you will not give this secret away.
It is too fragile of a position not to spin a genetic whirlwind into a more chaotic commotion.
The shelled out brain might as well be the monument where things stop and take a moment
to collect and breath: like a Shavasana but in the tomes of a public good. This one being
prescribed and somehow an exorcism of that one that happened decades ago that was
a very very very bad one which caused much suicide and death and loss in your family.
That was a very very very very very very very bad public good claim of your family to
be the pawns of. But you are working on a new one- although you have accepted that
NOTHING will EVER fix the wounds, accidents, and grave fatalities from that one that happened decades ago. And so many people SEE the symbol of it every day! And in
such a swanky commercial space-as if endowing the whole town to celebrate this
humiliation and dehumanization and exploit of your family, and so you, and even more you
as you get older and realize more and more just how important family truly is.
Sometimes it is only family that invites you to their parties. And nobody was ever really
reciprocal with you about those things ever, were they? They got together and made you
feel TERRIBLE for ever showing them a good time. And the way they repaid you for your
friendship and fun. Imagine their every word's only consequence to be solely to create
a sure hell on earth to exhaust your love and relationship with whatever force it ever was that blessed you once or twice. As if they existed just to show off how easily it could all be destroyed. So that you would be left with no words and have nothing left to say.