I Wish To Gd Poem by Julia Luber

I wish to God that I had been in a situation that I didn't have to know
anything about her at all. That I had never seen her again after she threw
my hand off her like that. That being why I was a danger to myself or another-
that I touched somebody suggestively when they did not want to be touched.
That that would be reason to lock me up and corner me into suicide. I don't know
if I should cry or if I should laugh. But what I do know is that I wish I had never
known a thing about her again for the rest of my life. That I did not know that that
was her voice on those commercials. That I always had something better to do
than watch television in a trance hours on end. That I always had a fulfilled and
satisfying life that I would not have to know a thing about her. That I would not have
almost bought the house next door to her before she lived there-with so many
wild happy party memories in that house. That I did not have to be reminded of her
insulting rejection, and even worse, who should would rather be with than me:
a false accuser of rape, a murderer, a judgmental connoitreer of suicide. Oh God,
how can God be so cruel to corner and force me to know about any of this. That
I almost bought that house next door and lived there off and on with my main
squeeze for three or four years. That I drank and partied and danced there..had sex
and fought and tried this and that. That I ever had to know about what she is doing.
Subjecting her children to a murderer, a fraudster, somebody who comes off like
something I can not even write about it is so disgusting. Who would ever think?
And so involved she is with this creepy murderer next door. That too almost cornered
me into death-a stroke from stark repulsion and disbelief. I don't know why she
has been out to kill me from some roundabout way for a long long time. I don't know
why what is repulsive trauma to me represents sex and social comfort to her. I don't know
how and why I could not have just been navigated a better direction. It would have all
been so easy to avoid and I felt and seemed so set up to avoid it all, but nothing has
worked for me since following that monster's threat commandments and strategies
to destroy me by a third party. Nothing in my life has worked easily since then. Nothing.