Chapter One Poem by Irma Goo

I loved him and he tolerated me
Horrifyingly
I write in
Searching for the higher me
The one i used to be
So comfortably

I loved him and he did not
And when i realized too late i was caught
And now my head's in wrought

And now steadily my head is shambles, readily i ramble and we know its a gamble
That's what they say of love
But i had no sign, not from below nor up above
Completely untainted i was

I rushed and loved him from the start
But so used was my heart
To being closed and sealed
I did not know
My pattern is perpetually to conceal

And now it's revealed that this cold vessel feels after all
And while im crushed my pride requires, demands me to stand tall
And so they nag and conspire, they know me even less
And further i digress into this mess that i am so accustomed to

Late at night, i undress and look upon my soul
Sifting through the seams, glaring at the hole
Daring to be completely whole, i let them in
Only to shift further on myself and cast back upon on the shelf

Still cursed and chaste i am, aren't you proud
Firstthe world is vast, then the noise is loud
The silence deafens even more
And lurched on the shore i search for what's in store
yet recede to this weakness that leaves me sore and
Seemingly is deemed to be in such galore

To restore, I asked myself...can i hold his wrist and trust his eyes?
Or when all is said and done, will i still lie
Reside deep
Steep in this endless, relentless pit that sits, spanning from my spine?

How dramatic can i get?
I battle yet
With what's within
I always lose even when i win
Let them in, ignore the sin
And the core that spins and remains irrefutably not concrete
To rush forth upon my feet is indubitably a feat

I did drugs, i still do
I lug the rug i sweep my problems into
Forever it maintains the hue of blue
It detains the truth of me
It retains my solace, contains my agony

My theatrics can grow ever more
But to continue is a bore
And in you, i saw myself
And loved the entirety of you
But never will i accept a place
Beneath the feet or cast astray
My self prevents me anyway
So i love you it is true,
But i knew you did not
Now i know you only grew from a place of rot and ruin
And i'm proud of who you are and only wish for you the best
As for me, the rest is strewn up in the stars, kept in heaven or in mars


So i loved him and he did not love me
It hurt, of course it did
What's worse
Or better
I am yet to know

I love him still
What a show