Diane Hine

Silver Star - 4,143 Points (25 July 1956)

Child-Raising Advice - Poem by Diane Hine

First, bear them, otherwise you won't have them.
To raise them, pick them up.
To unraise them, put them down again. Sounds obvious but........
Bear them, they'll grow on you.

Insert food.
Stick your elbow in their bathwater (I forget why) .
Do not dryclean.

Check for rattles. These are meant for external use only.
Although waterproof,
excessive exposure to the elements may damage their exteriors.
Tell your parents you forgive them and that they can baby-sit.

Tell everyone you forgive them and that they can baby-sit.
Be diplomatic about your friends' children (optional) .
Take offense when fools offer unasked for advice.

To improve reception, de-wax their ear canals.
To adjust brightness, vary the dose of red food colouring.
Remove wildlife.

Send them to school as soon as you're allowed.
That way it's the teacher's fault.
Choose their careers in this order- I.T. expert, plumber, dentist.
Lay down your life for them (Ha-ha! just joking) .

Repeat first line of second stanza and keep an account.
Skip and sing nursery rhymes in public.
You'll never have a better excuse.
Lastly, make sure you always get your turn on the swing.


Comments about Child-Raising Advice by Diane Hine

  • (7/31/2012 12:36:00 PM)


    Love it! Great piece of wit and whimsy. (Report) Reply

    0 person liked.
    0 person did not like.
  • Robert Green (6/12/2012 6:25:00 PM)


    Laughing my ass off, what a great read :) (Report) Reply

  • (6/10/2012 5:33:00 AM)


    Tongue in cheek with a matter in fact of the truth with humour in bringing up the young ones...sound advice from a trooper of being in charge...regards (Report) Reply

  • June Walker (5/29/2012 6:17:00 AM)


    I love this! ! Humour! (Report) Reply

  • (5/9/2012)


    LOL, this is funny in a caring kind of way. To have a kid, be a kid 'make sure you always get your turn on the swing'. I also love it when people take things literally, 'to raise them pick them up'. Awesome. (Report) Reply

  • (5/5/2012 6:55:00 PM)


    You must be a wonderful parent. This is fun and caring advice for any loving parent. (Report) Reply

  • (5/3/2012 2:21:00 PM)


    It's been many years since I recall these general rules of thumb, very cleverly remembered by you..... (Report) Reply

  • Sharad Juneja (4/20/2012 4:44:00 AM)


    I'm smiling.... it's beautiful.. very beautiful.... (Report) Reply

  • Heather Wilson (4/18/2012 4:58:00 PM)


    So clever and funny, I`m still laughing. (Report) Reply

  • (4/14/2012 3:05:00 AM)


    Amusing piece.I remember singing in public myself. (Report) Reply

  • (4/13/2012 4:17:00 AM)


    This is great, cautious and insightful, with a touch of whimsy derived from experience and perhaps battle fatigue or PPSD. Post parental stress disorder which may lead to lethargy and blasé cynicism. (Report) Reply

  • Valerie Dohren (4/6/2012 1:00:00 PM)


    Great - my advice is just stick to one, it's enough for anyone! ! ! (Report) Reply

Read all 12 comments »




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Poem Submitted: Friday, April 6, 2012

Poem Edited: Friday, April 6, 2012


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