Child-Raising Advice

Rating: 5.0
First, bear them, otherwise you won't have them.
To raise them, pick them up.
To unraise them, put them down again. Sounds obvious but........
Bear them, they'll grow on you.

Insert food.
Stick your elbow in their bathwater (I forget why) .
Do not dryclean.

Check for rattles. These are meant for external use only.
Although waterproof,
excessive exposure to the elements may damage their exteriors.
Tell your parents you forgive them and that they can baby-sit.

Tell everyone you forgive them and that they can baby-sit.
Be diplomatic about your friends' children (optional) .
Take offense when fools offer unasked for advice.

To improve reception, de-wax their ear canals.
To adjust brightness, vary the dose of red food colouring.
Remove wildlife.

Send them to school as soon as you're allowed.
That way it's the teacher's fault.
Choose their careers in this order- I.T. expert, plumber, dentist.
Lay down your life for them (Ha-ha! just joking) .

Repeat first line of second stanza and keep an account.
Skip and sing nursery rhymes in public.
You'll never have a better excuse.
Lastly, make sure you always get your turn on the swing.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Chuck Audette 31 July 2012
Love it! Great piece of wit and whimsy.
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Ken E Hall 10 June 2012
Tongue in cheek with a matter in fact of the truth with humour in bringing up the young ones...sound advice from a trooper of being in charge...regards
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June Walker 29 May 2012
I love this! ! Humour!
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Lenore Lee 09 May 2012
LOL, this is funny in a caring kind of way. To have a kid, be a kid 'make sure you always get your turn on the swing'. I also love it when people take things literally, 'to raise them pick them up'. Awesome.
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Walterrean Salley 05 May 2012
You must be a wonderful parent. This is fun and caring advice for any loving parent.
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G.R. Gaus 03 May 2012
It's been many years since I recall these general rules of thumb, very cleverly remembered by you.....
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Sharad Juneja 20 April 2012
I'm smiling.... it's beautiful.. very beautiful....
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Heather Wilson 18 April 2012
So clever and funny, I`m still laughing.
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Sally Plumb Plumb 14 April 2012
Amusing piece.I remember singing in public myself.
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Danny Draper 13 April 2012
This is great, cautious and insightful, with a touch of whimsy derived from experience and perhaps battle fatigue or PPSD. Post parental stress disorder which may lead to lethargy and blasé cynicism.
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