Don't Kill Yourself! Poem by Julia Luber

You can't kill yourself just because you HATE somebody.Even worse
because it feels like they have gotten under your skin. Insidiously invaded
the very network of your neural apparatus. You can't kill yourself because
of that.I know….HATE is so uncomfortable and confusing. It is NOT what
we were raised on nor what we know we like to feel. Right! We know how much
more pleasurable LOVE is than HATE. We know that Hate makes us feel ugly,
and in fact, might even partially make us so. There is only so much that can
remain pent up in that brain, stumbling on that tongue, guarded and hid
behind those lips. There is only so much HATE that can prevent us from turning
us into at least looking like monsters-from holding all that HATE inside:
all that CROSSED space inside, all that Territory poisoned and contaminated
by the enemy- so intent upon ruining everything of yours, what little you ever
had again after her affliction and influence. What can you do? Perhaps nothing.
Perhaps this. Perhaps investing all your wits into commanding others not to
kill themselves. Because you know the causes and you know the excruciating
pain. You know how horrifying it is to feel like you suddenly need to kill somebody.
You feel like you truly need to kill that person you HATE., For very good reason too.
And you have felt this way for over thirty years. Perhaps this time it's a bit more
shocking. Perhaps you did so much recovery, change and resilience that the collapse
in that awful obsequious smug unctuous animus of that unforgivable creature, perhaps
it's that much worse now. Think of how pathetic she is that she feels strength and
empowerment from hurting you the way that she is doing so now. Think of how
pathetic and unforgivable she is that she needs to do this now: with the whole
world at her fingertips, and she chooses to do the one thing that could destroy
and kill you from the insides. Perhaps you do need to kill her, and the only way
you can understand this is by turning this hatred inward and wanting to kill yourself.
She's relied on it before. She made it happen before. She's back to do it again.
Hard to believe. Makes a wince of pure excruciation to bite the truth of. But verbatim,
proven, Holy Grail, she truly is about a billion times worse than you ever even feared
and there truly is absolutely nothing you can do about it. But don't forget…..she is back
in your face to kill you: and you are not going to kill yourself. Don't kill yourself.
Give her the pleasure of slowly kill you in that excruciating and slow way that does
not show to those inspecting the sudden corrosion, dilapidation and collapse. You
know you will not be the only one to never forgive somebody. Never forgive that
unforgivable person. But don't ever ever ever ever ever ever kill yourself. Really. DON'T.