From Suicide (A Regretful Escape) Poem by Mishack O Madubandlela

Dear Mishack
I'm your biggest fan
No one cares about me and no one gives a damn
Just write me back if you get the chance
I know you're a busy man
and I'm just a fan

I just want to tell you what your words have done
We have work to do and we are not yet done
You paint pictures with your words and I go to heaven each time
How I wish those words were mine
but the world I live in is much worse than purgatory
Your words seem too good to be true when I read

I've escaped suicide a couple of times
but no one can really cheat death
all I want is to be dead
what good are words when they never change the reality
all I want is to… not exist
all of my life should just cease to exist
I've written so many last letters that I've lost count
all because of your words
but guess what, I'm still here… miserable
my pain is unbearable
to me, this reality is incomprehensible
unfathomable
happiness unreachable
happiness undefinable

Dear miss,
I know you've been going through hell lately
within the past month you cut yourself once
and then passed out in the sight of blood
You were a calf stuck in a big puddle of mud

I just want you to know that you're one of the strongest
You're still here and there's a reason for that
I shouldn't be the one to tell you that
But, you shouldn't have done that

Seeing your wrists covered in red
I swear all those memories of you just drove me mad yet, you inspired me
you inspired me to leave me and go live a life away from me
I swear that week was the worst for me
I literally got everything in place and ready for action
but there you were, in front of my tub
I couldn't move an inch
all my body felt like it was covered in one big stitch
your face was the only thing I couldn't get away from
went from crying over your demise to finding a way out of my own

Went from anxiety to finding my radial artery
Went from looking and picking blades to setting the mood and environment
filling the tub with water and foam
hoping that nobody comes through the door
until I can't move, can't blink and breathe and I'm on the floor

But, if I ever had regrets in my life, this would be the first one
I can finally say that I regret seeing your face in front of me
I can say there's something I do regret other than my existence
now, this world feels too big yet too small for me to fit in
I've been living a lie
I've been caught in an illusion
if this was all a dream, a nightmare
I'd love to wake up now
I'd like to go home now
where my heart is… oh! At least where it should be

All I can say now until I wake up…
is… cheers…to what I have yet to lose
I'll wake myself up if no one is willing to do the honors
next year, I'm doing my honors, but I want to join the others
I'll wake up from this dream to the other side
where I should be, where I belong
I promise you, it won't be long
before I get there
Home is calling…
Purgatory is where I long to be
it might be a place better than what you think of it to be