Hold My Beer Poem by Katherine Kay Graven

Well, I've been there, done that,
Can't remember how I got home,
But I know I drove my four wheeler

Who the Hell is Bertha?

Hey, y'all…

hold my beer.

[Verse 1]

I woke up Sunday morning
With a traffic cone in bed,
One boot inside the freezer
And a lampshade on my head.

There's a chicken in the bathtub,
There's a goat on the roof,
I was left unsupervised—
Whats the hell is your excuse?

I asked my buddy, "What happened? "
He said,
"Nothing to see here."
Then the sheriff found my britches
Hanging on the antlers of my deer

[Chorus — big, rowdy singalong]

Hey, y'all—hold my beer,
What the hell was I thinking?
The devil made me do it,
And I'm pretty sure he'd been drinking.

It wasn't me—it was my shadow,
My voices told me to—
Been there, done that,
Don't wanna do it again…
But I probably will
before the night is through!

[Verse 2]

Mama said, "I brought you here,
I can take you right back out! "
Daddy said, "That dog won't hunt, "
When he heard what I'd been lying about.

Grandma said, "Be good, sweet child—
Or at least be good at it."
Then she winked across the kitchen table
Kneading hog jaw in the biscuits

My wife said, "You made your bed,
Now get right back in and lie! "
I said, "It is what it is."
She said, "Keep talking—
you may die."

[Chorus]

Hey, y'all—hold my beer,
What the hell was I thinking?
The devil made me do it,
And I'm pretty sure he'd been drinking.

It wasn't me—it was my shadow,
Them voices told me to—
I been there, done that,
Don't wanna do it again…
But I probably will before the night is through!

[Verse 3]

We were running 'round in circles
Like headless chicken fools,
Trying to fix a riding mower
With some duct tape and old tools.

Bubba yelled, "Don't force it!
Get a bigger hammer, son! "
A shot rang across the yard—
Oh Hell, what have we done.

The neighbor hollered, "Turn that down! "
The preacher hollered, "Amen! "
The sheriff hollered, "I told you so—
Don't make me come back again! "

Did I do that?
Well…maybe I did.
But if anybody asks—
Blame it on the kid.

Hey, y'all—hold my beer,
What the hell was I thinking?
The devil made me do it,
And I'm pretty sure he'd been drinking.

It wasn't me—it was my shadow,
My voices told me to—
Been there, done that,
Don't wanna do it again…
But I probably will before the night is through!

We'll be here till the cows come home,
Or somebody makes bail.
Sweating like a sinner
On the front-row pew in Hell.

We're finer than frog hair,
Bizz e er than a one-legged man—
And if duct tape cannot fix it,
Well, WD-40 can!

Don't count your chickens,
Don't poke a sleeping bear,
And never say, "Watch this, "
When there's gunpowder in the air!

[Instrumental Break — wild banjo, fiddle, washboard and spoons]

[Verse 4]

Now
My truck is in the fishpond,
Billy's bass boat's in a tree,
Bubba's missing half an eyebrow,
And everybody's blaming me.

I said, "That's my story,
And I'm sticking to it, friend."
Then somebody brought more beer around—
So we did it all again!

Hey, y'all—hold my beer,
What the hell were we thinking?
The devil made us do it,
And now the whole Damn town's drinking.

It wasn't us—it was our shadows,
Our voices told us to—
Been there, done that,
Swore we'd never do it again…
But that was way back around a quarter past two

The sheriff said, "Don't make me
Turn this patrol car around! "

Nothing to see here.

I'm still trying to figure out who Bertha is.

Lordy have mercy

Let's do it again…

Written by
Katherine Kay Graven
September Fifth, Twenty-Twenty-Six