I Cut Myself To Feel.. Poem by Meg Gardiner

inspiration: true life story

the bleeding just proves how bad my wounds are.
the scars.. they just wont ever heal.
my arms are torn up in remembrance of who i used to be.
a perfect student? not anymore
a perfect lover? nope thats finished too
a perfect daughter? far from it.. im the worst.

first attempt?
i was being stupid.
broken mug.
kitchen floor.
home alone.
broken heart on the mind.
the glass barely scratched the skin before i got scared and gave up.

second attempt?
he didnt love me anymore
i had no emotions.
just the razor blade and my tears.

third attempt?
i didnt know how to feel anymore.. my worlds gone mad.

fourth attempt?
i finally could do it.
originally the thoughts of suicide overwhelmed me.
at that moment, there was nothing to life for.
except my family.. who i hoped would understand.
the turkey cutting knife at the wrist of my left arm.
my tears turning into acid because as each one fell it burned.
i let out a sigh of relief and dug the knife deep into my skin.
one cut wasnt enough.
the second wasnt enough either.
.. the hours rolled by.
the third cut was too small for comfort.
the fourth cut got the job done.
the sun began to rise as i looked down at what i had done.
it was now the morning of my annual summer bbq
and all i could see was the blood dripping onto my bed sheets.
'Daddys going to be so disappointed' i thought.
'mommy never expected this'...
'aya wont be proud'
and that was when it hit me.
.. i turned into a bigger screwup then i had thought.
& i cut myself to feel..