I Search For Myself - Poem by Shelly Price
Overwhelmed by my sudden show of emotions...
It's hard to know how to even begin to feel.
I'm trying to see through what I now know is fake...
so I can somehow get a grasp on something real.
Where did I come from on this journey so long...
but more importantly, where is that I want to go?
I'm in a boat surrounded by fog and darkness...
not knowing in which direction I need to row.
One step forward and then yet another one back...
I continue to walk blindly with unsteady feet.
My first thought is to run away from myself....
to hide until I can find a safe place to retreat.
What is it exactly that I'm so deadly afraid of...
can someone tell me how to face this ugly fear?
I no longer can recognize the person that I see...
when she stares at me, staring back at her from my mirror.
Why does my growing up seem so impossibly hard,
when so many have done it with such success?
In particular, why do I struggle with change,
when all I've ever wanted was to be my very best.
Should everything I do in this life be a struggle,
I know there has to be a softer, easier way to live.
I search for the answer to this question and more...
ever willing to give up whatever there is left to give.
Balance is what I've never had and so want in life,
along with the knowledge of who it is that I am.
Who can tell me where I might find some truth...
so I can finally say 'I'AM” really worth a damn?
I must dig deeper into what makes me...me...
only from my past can all there is be revealed.
How and from whom did I learn what I've learned...
and why is the truth hidden away and concealed?
I stand teetering on a narrow ledge of a mountain...
so unfamiliar I am with myself and my terrain.
Each step I take I see more of the devastation...
but I trudge on with hope of all there is to gain.
I thank my God there will always be tomorrow...
a new chance to fix what I know is really wrong.
I pray to my God with hope for his direction...
and ask him also to continue to make me strong.
I know there are no simple tricks, easy answers,
no quick fixes for the emptiness and void in me.
Each day I must continue my fearless search...
and hope more is revealed about who I will be.
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