In Tomorrow, And Yesterday, But I Cannot Love You In Today Poem by Leah Ayliffe

April rain keeps me tired
Keeps me thinking of different pasts and futures
If I wandered down a different road
A different airwave.
I kind of prayed to run away
To be scooped up and taken with the wind
To different cities of a foreign land
Waiting for something new
With someone like you.
No one needs to save me now
Like the bird left behind when flying south
I can fly on my own terms
You cannot have a say on my behaviour or random change in direction.
I dream often of serenity
Inside
As time unfolds you continue to blow my mind
Soul satisfying
And I think that really, I could die quite romantically
Swooning over the conundrum of what I never wanted
Taking number one priority over my mind.
It's all I have,
The biggest lie
But it keeps me on fire and feeling good
As though the music of an old guitar
Whispers the truth of those unheard.
I hear the music
The music that I've made
How the tracks have changed
Yet still sound familiar to the girl I was yesterday.
I hear the juvenile sparkle in childhood dreams
The sadness and confusion of a love that was supposed to be for forever
Drowning, evading, down the rusty drain of hope
Heartache unfulfilled.
I know the lyrics of finding love in solitude
In friendships made of past soulmates
In stories and literature
and the words from past and present composers.
I dance to the sound of building walls
With the desire that they'd be broken down.
Surrounded by the nostalgia of talking to the stars
So late into the night until I would cry
Beg and barter with wishes from deep inside
To a God I never believed in.
To a form I created for my sanity, a deity,
A power in the unknown.
A power in the magic I grew up holding onto and still refuse to let go of.
Hey there to the future
You know I love you with all you bring me
Cheers to the beginning, to the before,
I love you in all that you were not and all that you were.
I do not know what to tell you today..
I know you least of all.
It's not until you become the past that I will really admire you
Appreciating all the hours I could, but won't, use.
I'm sorry I cannot love you.
I cannot know you.
The things I keep in sleeping hours
and hours awake
I keep. I cannot give.
But I'll give to you in tomorrow and in yesterday.
Of the things I could be, could've been,
Even in April rain that gets me second guessing,
I will never stop flying against the wind
To the lands that are mine, only mine
Within.