Praveen Kumar in Celestial Glow
Inner Struggle - Poem by Praveen Kumar in Celestial Glow
You're totally in love deep in soul,
But totally stood against in intellect
Lest soul interests harm love's cause,
And walked on rails running apart -
Soul and intellect on fighting mode.
How Earth and sky can remain afar?
Fire and heat how hide from each?
You chugged on those parted rails
In pain, grief and relentless distress
Year after year for decades on end.
Fire deep within in white hot glow,
Intellect's punch in flood's brute flow,
Inbetween caught in unkind claws,
Torn to pieces in both mind and soul,
You sacrificed life on love's altar.
Passive for love, and radical to stand up
While inner glow gorged you alive,
How you bore those relentless pains?
From where you drew endless strengths
To douse those love you longed all life?
You acted tough and behaved rude
To stop your love reaching across;
You tied soul, and bound your heart
To pour insult and have love in knots,
So no harm touches whom you loved.
Nonchalant you acted oft on and on,
Though very next moment repenting it,
And you come running to comfort me;
Unguarded moments displayed rare glow
Of love burning bright deep in your soul.
You said, I'm just commoner to you,
Oft refrained from focus usually paid;
As if you acted it against your will,
Thereafter all day like autumn leaves,
You hide yourself in regret and pain.
You refused to pick messages from me,
You refused to meet while visited you;
Yet always you oozed an aura of love,
An unspoken glow of infinite dazzle
That sparkled in you while around me.
Unaware, you sought my proximities,
Unaware, attempted physical closeness;
Very next, I saw you realize your fault
And resort to distance in sudden moves;
Those swings to and fro enthralled me.
When caught in talk by any chance,
I found you never willing to stop;
Gentle ever and respectful to fault,
Never had you tired in talking to me
Till I reminded how long we talked.
Responses unplanned always kind,
Gentle, inviting, loveful and sweet;
In planned responses, unkind, harsh,
You sought to prove no bonds in us;
Is't love for its sake butchering itself?
Oft distance you kept, snapped chord
To the limited time you acted on it,
As if a ritual you're bound to suffer;
Bright glow and smile on your face
Never parted you while I was around.
Oft I went in expression of love
Beyond all normal decent limits;
Always you welcomed those acts
In glowing smile in warm response,
And replied always, it's all right.
Anger I displayed for indifference
Rattled you beyond all measures;
You wept, then drove where I lived,
To seek my pardon for wrong not did,
Without ego traces anywhere in you.
You switched off mobile days together,
Deleted my numbers forever from it;
Next, threw the mobile to a nearby well
When you found temptations for my call
Too painful to withstand for your will.
I saw at times sudden spurts of acts
To meet me with all your warmth;
Alas, overnight it always changed
To distance, silence, grief, regret,
So fast, I was caught totally off-guard.
Convinced of conflict within you,
One day I declared, I'm all yours,
You thanked me for those concern;
One day I said, I deeply love you,
I found sheer ecstasy then in you.
Once I sent you hidden in a book
A poem live in sexual acts with you,
Let's presume by accident of time;
Not a bit you resented raw desires I had,
Embarrassed a little, not much, you said.
A day we were on job together there,
You bent on purpose in front of me;
Gold chain on neck fell out from blouse
Lovely round bosoms exposed in front
Just to convince me, you value my love.
In days I absented from scheduled visits
I heard you go terribly upset so much,
That silent and distressed all day you go;
I realized fierce struggle raging within,
And the pain and grief you suffer from it.
Not open myself to meet your life,
I found one younger, higher in grade
And declared, you certainly go for him;
You hissed in contempt, resented my act,
Refused my calls for weeks since then.
Soon who withstood parents' pressures
To marry and settle after changes they felt
They saw my presence brought in you,
Allowed parents to search for a groom,
Indeed retracted when they began to work.
A doctor you're, on patient's side I was,
Your interest in us perplexed seniors,
Expressed how deep you're attached to us;
They shifted our case to the chief's daughter,
You wept and fought till restored it back.
Once I said, parting ways, good for both,
You agreed, but deep grief I saw in you;
I said, our parting smoothen your course;
You hissed in response as if never so,
And I felt you in pain, distress and grief.
Time to part for us reached a day
Earlier than we thought it possible;
You were in tears, couldn't speak out,
Avoided my repeat farewell calls,
So I rushed to meet in person there.
You met me, a picture of hardihood,
Refused my offer to sit at my side;
I saw your bosoms kept open for me,
My eyes while strolled all over there,
You pushed it front in subtle offer.
You said, I might visit always there,
But would not be you present again,
I replied, I don't if so visit any more;
I sought your address to keep contact,
Bluntly you said, not necessary that.
I sent a gold chain as birthday gift,
You sent it back without a word
With all gifts I presented till then;
Keep it in my memory, I solicited,
You refused outright to accept back.
I ventured to visit where you were,
And sought to meet you face to face;
You sent a message, you're not there!
I returned insulted and deeply hurt;
I know your love, then why so ruthless?
Through sources I heard all that year,
You refused marriage, withstood pressures;
High ranked suitors of grade and class
You rejected outright, fouled parents,
Who dared not talk of marriage with you.
I expressed love and sent some letters,
But heard not response even for one;
Far later I heard, you deserted parents
And married a doctor in far away land,
I heard it wasn't in any love or need.
The marriage broke from the start itself,
You refused to follow where he moved,
You refused higher jobs where you were
And lived hard life of penury, loneliness,
In possible distance from married life.
Pregnant you became, but avoided it,
And married life, alas, fell to doom,
Divorced in peace on mutual consent;
You lived in far land a very hard life,
A sanyasin's life on minimal needs.
Three years since I learnt of this
When visited where I first met you;
Devastated was I, shocked deep in core,
Collected courage and addressed you,
Expressing grief for what befell you.
I dared a day to make a call to you,
And found you stunned to find me talk;
You asked why I trouble you so,
And did I know that married you were;
Devastated by that I disconnected call.
Soon I heard, you were back in house
Of parents from where you're away;
I tried to call, you refused to respond;
And a day you suddenly called me,
Threatened, insulted for following you.
Long struggle I saw raging in you,
Convinced of outbursts you play on me
As planned moves to save from harms
Your proximities inflict on my life,
I took in good stead whatever you did.
I sent you myriad messages of advice
To mend your life and build on it,
This continued so for a few more years;
You chose to close all channels we had,
And I left bereft of any bridge to build.
I learnt, you failed to reconstruct life,
Pursued not jobs that invited you,
A skilled doctor of good experience!
You live like a sanyasin bereft of needs,
Alas, inner struggle has taken its toll.
You're so there, I'm here, in distress,
All bridges did collapse between us;
Time rolls, and lives unfold to an end;
But the pain and distress consumed us,
And the struggle you fought outlive us.
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